Mother Freakin' Bees!

[Editor's note: this is a long posting, but that can be explained by this: it is a rant, and I wasn't finished being annoyed until the fourth or fifth paragraph.]

Ok, I generally have no problem with bees. I have a long-tested policy of just chilling when they come along and letting them do their thing and then fly away. This policy is very logically based on two things a) the kid from Jerry Maguire who says that bees can smell fear, and b) the general knowledge that bees are the busiest animals on the planet so they don't waste time stinging people for no reason.

And my policy totally worked! There is a legal theory called a social contract and I like to think bees and I have a social contract: a kind of truce that forbids squashing or stinging and promotes general goodwill among the two species. Apparently that social contract is void in England.

First of all the bees here are much more aggressive. I was taking my picnic lunch to Christ Church meadows and a bee landed on me and would NOT go away. He was all over my shoulder and then he had the audacity to try and crawl up my shirt! It was like being at a frat party.

Second, I don't like to judge but since the gloves have come off, there are a lot more bees here than there are in the States. Not more flowers, mind you, just more bees. Any economist or businessman knows that same size job + more workers = more down time. This English bee work ethic negates reason B for my truce: too busy to sting.

These guys have all the leisure (here pronounced Leh-zhure) time in the world, as evidenced by the one who just spent 5 minutes making out with the juice bottle on my desk. He must like carrot and orange juice, because then he called in two friends. Really, I have to draw the line.

So I have this to say to the bees (in a three part haiku):

Truce is off unless
you mind your manners and don't
Come through my window.

Trespass will be seen
as an act of war, and I
will respond in kind.

I don't pick your plants
So stay off of my sweet stuff.
Let's restore the peace.

[Editor's note #2: I know that the bee population is dropping and there are ecological concerns about that, or that some may think it's unethical to wage a war against bees, but save your letters, PETA, I don't care.]

[Editor's note #3: Oh my Gosh how cool would it be if anyone from PETA ever read my blog?!? Not that PETA is so great but that would mean it was someone I didn't know so that would be pretty huge.]