Bye Bye Blog-tober

So as I said I am going to New Orleans this weekend. I am going not only for Halloween, but also for my sister's bachelorette party. This is going to be crazy fun because all 8 of us are dressing up as a version of Jennifer. In light of this excellent group Halloween theme (thanks to KK for the coordinated costume idea) I have decided to redo a subject that I have already written about this month: my sister Jennifer.

This one is a little different though, because it spells out what each of our costumes were. How fun to be able to dress as someone you know and love, and how cool to have 8 people walking around dressed as past, present, and future versions of you. Jen herself got to be "bridezilla." Good times!

Anyway, I think I owed a good longer length poem because honestly, I skimped on a few this month.

Jennifer

Jumper pajamas wearing a pillow on her head.
Embarrassing poop costume with a story she dreads.
No longer newlywed with her girly parts "closed."
'N plaid high school uniform with a little leg exposed.
In sorority shirt with a hangover after a night that was wild.
Filling maternity clothes when she is with child.
Evaluation Jen who tests and cares for students.
Raging bridezilla for fun, but she is actually quite prudent.

NOLA

I'm going to New Orleans for the weekend. Let me just say this, if you have never been to New Orleans for Halloween, you have never really done Halloween.

The End.

NOLA

Numerous costumes that won't make you yawn
Overly cheap booze until (at least) dawn.
Listening to music like Taj Mahal.
Awaiting a burger at Port of Call.

The Blahs

I have been down in the dumps lately. I have a week-long case of the Mondays. I have lost the glimmer in my eye. I have no more rattle in my snake. I am ready for the fat lady to sing (for law school I mean, so stop dialing the suicide hotline already.)

Anyway, you get the point. That is probably why I have been remiss in my daily postings - my apologies one reader.

Blah

Boring myself nearly to death.
Lounging around like I'm hooked on meth.*
Almost no reason to get off my butt.
Have to get myself out of this rut.

* You can tell I know nothing about meth, since I think it actually makes people jump around and go crazy and turn green. Or something.

Job

Just an update for my family out there, I still don't have a job. So you don't really have to ask now, unless it seems that important to you.

Seriously though, I know what I want to do but now I just have to find a job doing it. 'Cause for Pete's sake I did not leave a good career where I was at a good level to go back to school forever to do something I don't want to do, that's for sure.

And furthermore, I am adding this to the list of things I don't think I want to do: be a trial lawyer.

Job

Jeering at the thought of interviewing.
Only marginally interested in helping with suing.
Believing in something I have to be doing.

Tad

Today is my friend Tad's birthday. Tad is a lovely fellow, and his father is my favorite local politician of all times even though he is in an entirely different state.

Tad would help you feel better even when you are experiencing women problems which makes him very uncomfortable. He would also feel terrible if he ever spilled beer all the way down your Halloween costume but he would be gentleman enough to let you wipe the foam from your cleavage on your own.

He would take care of your dog for a week if you needed him to, but don't expect that dog to have any respect for authority when you get it back. I will always keep him very close to my heart, but very far from my golf cart.

Tad

Thickly accented - clearly from South Carolina
Apt to be a politician, but not the kind that causes angina.
Defends insurance companies and their defective products from China.*

*Actually his court cases are usually car accidents, but do you have any idea how hard it is to rhyme Carolina and keep it PG-13? Also I looked up angina and you can say it both ways.

In Reponse to Anonymous Father

This is in response to a comment made by Anonymous Father on my Penny Pinching Jews in SC posting. He had a very demonstrative response which shows why it is not ok to claim ignorance to racially sensitive issues. If you haven't read it you should.

But even though these are his feelings I can't quite agree. I see his point - we should have high expectations of our election/appointed officials. But I can't help but think that the more I learn, I realize how little I know (to paraphrase Socrates or another philosopher I may have heard about in Philosophy 101 which I obviously didn't ace.)

Anyway, my point is this: the more I learn about other cultures, the more I realize how much I don't know. I think of myself as a sensitive and fairly worldly person but I often learn something and think "wow, I bet when I didn't 'get' that I said something offensive." And in those times I just hope that someone looked at me and thought that I was so very wrong but rather than being offended that they chalked it up to my ignorance and didn't hold it against me.

I'm sure we have all done something like that at one point or another and I wouldn't want to measure other people on a radically different yardstick than I hope they use to measure me.

And when you focus on the results, slamming people makes them defensive and less likely to take responsibility for what they have said and done, so it just seems to me that it is best to be kind, correct them, and move on because a little tolerance goes a long way.

Tolerant

Taking your world view and imposing it
On others.
Luxuriation in folks mistakes doesn't
Educate our brothers.
Real understanding
And well-intentioned correction but
Not sharp-tongued criticism will help
To correct our world direction.

Nameless but not Shameless or Blameless

I have a friend who shall remain nameless, but let's just say he promised to guest blog for me at some point and he has not come through.

Perhaps he has spent all of his time with his new job at D Mag-Jas-ine, or checking out the art of Jasper Johns. Or taking luxurious Jasmine-scented baths. Or just enjoying his time back in TeJas.

[Figure it out yourself]

Jabberwocky poems have suffered without
Any guest blogging promised by some old lout.
Somehow he has not contributed, even during this creative drought.

Jen

My sister Jen has been requesting that I cover her at some point this month.

I have tried to do this but there are many obstacles to accomplishing this task. First, her name is long. (I have solved this by using her nickname.) Second, even her nickname includes common letters for names (J and E) and it is hard to keep it creative and not use just, even, every and boring words like that.

But the real reason I have been putting her poem off is this: she is a difficult person to sum up in one poem. There are many wonderful, complicated layers to her and I was having trouble writing anything that did her justice. Peeling away those layers, like an onion, also makes me get a little teary.

Since there is no O for onion in Jen, this was the best I could do, abbreviated as it is.

Jen

Jaunty and supportive during your worst of days.
Energetically helping children whose problems amaze.
Nice, kind, and feminine without submitting to cliches.

Managing Tasks and Leading People

I went to a Birkman seminar this past weekend.

If you don't know what a Birmkan test or analysis is (I surely didn't) then think of it as a "What color is your parachute?" kind of training where huge corporations pay psychologists to evaluate their staff to see how to best maximize the variable coefficients between different personality grid alignments. Or in other words to teach co-workers not to be jerks to each other.

Normally I am a little skeptical of these things but this one was pretty good. One of the best things I think the facilitator said was that you manage tasks and you lead people. This was an important distinction for a those people who want to manage everything and those people who want to lead everything. You shouldn't try to "manage" a personality and you should try to "lead" a project.

This was the first time I have been exposed to these ideas and my gut instinct was to disagree, but then I remembered times when I had been "managed" and how annoying it was. And I definitely have tried to "lead" projects before when I should have been either brainstorming, planning, organizing, or implementing. So kudos to Birkman for pointing that out.

Manage or Lead

Multiple duties still undone
Accomplishments
Not yet realized.
Authoring to do lists
Gorged with tasks and
Engagements to be idealized. But

Other techniques apply when
Requesting people to see eye to eye.

Leadership is a skill
Encouraging learning of tasks and qualities anew.
A much better tact to take when
Developing members of your crew.

Television

I am terribly behind on posting with little to no excuse. (But seriously, I don't have an internet connection at home right now!) Anyway, I have been wasting a lot of time lately doing something pointless - watching television.

I like a good program as much as the next gal but turning on the old boob tube just to have something to distract yourself. Unacceptable!

Television

Thoughtless oasis to
Entertain my stress away.
Leave me on the couch as I'm
Escaping for a day.
Veritable universes take over my mentality.
In the meantime wheels grind on the machinery of reality.
Spring or fall? I don't know while
Images flicker across the screen
Outside my living room is the
Nuisance of duties in a house that remains uncleaned.

Penny-pinching Jews in SC

Well apparently some county chairmen in South Carolina made a comment in an editorial that has people all atwitter. (That word had a real meaning before Twittering, you know.) Read more about it here but basically they tried to encourage a penny-wise, pound-rich philosophy for Congress that they took from a saying about wealthy Jews.

If you look at the comment, it is at worst uninformed. Sometimes I get nervous that our over-sensitivity to racial issues has a reverse effect. Follow me here: someone makes a comment like this which seemed to have complimentary intent. Considering the positive intention and the fact that it was willingly submitted for publication, it is doubtful that the chairmen knew they were being offensive.

If we constantly condemn people for their ignorance, we are not solving any problems. Incidents like these shouldn't go unmentioned, but there is no reason to call for someone's resignation over an incident like this. It seems like overreaction in these situations will push people to stop trying and to discount the value in examining stereotypes.

The worst part of all in my book is that the only people calling for their resignation are Democrats. And I'm only 5'2" but I have had it up to here with this partisan crapola! Politicians don't even try to appear fair anymore. How stingy is that?

Penny (Pinching)

Prejudice can be reinforced based on its handling.
Every now and then people just require understanding.
Not every statement
Needs to be analyzed to death.
You can sometimes gain perspective by stopping to take a breath.

Divorce

All of the cute celebrity couples get divorced. I know the "regular people" divorce rate is also quite high, but almost no celebrity couples make it. Their divorce rate is much higher than just a majority.

I was just thinking that maybe this is because men and women don't need each other as much anymore. To oversimplify, Back in the day there were prescribed roles for men and women and not much straying from those roles, but things have obviously changed. In fact there is very little that either a man or a woman can't provide for himself.

But paradoxically we still want to be with others people, though we no longer have need to drive us together or keep us together. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Need

Nothing wanting
Essentials are all self-provided
Excluding mutual benefit can leave a couple
Divided.

Lebanon-omination*

I have a class on how to do business in Middle Eastern countries. I am currently in this class and bored. Today's topic is Lebanon, so maybe you will accidentally learn from this poem.

For your benefit, single reader, I have excluded the most boring facts (the taxing structure and what kind of corporations you can form) but left things that you may need to know one day. For example if you have an Israeli visa in your passport you can't get in Lebanon. Or maybe you will never need to know that and you will never get back the minute and a half it took you to read this blog entry.

Lebanon

Levi jeans
Excepted from items you may import
Beirut is the capital and where you will
Arrive at the airport.
Never mention that you've been to Israel
Or they won't let you in.
Not likely to agree to peace, much to the World's chagrin.

*Annonimination = play on words, seriously, look it up. Or don't. Either way you are not going to get that time back either.

Corpsing

This week's Saturday Night Live had clips during the commercial breaks of old shows where actors or weekly hosts cracked up and just could NOT stop laughing.

This happens to everyone: something funny happens or sometimes just jumps into your head at an inappropriate time and you have to physically restrain yourself from cracking up. Sometimes even that doesn't help and you just break up with laughter anyway.

The SNL clips reminded me of what British actors call "corpsing" named for the practice of trying to make your live costar laugh while he or she was playing a corpse. For a few good clips on corpsing from the TV show Extras, check out this clip and then this clip. If you are still ready for more, check out these TV corpsing moments. (Particularly good example at 8:50 who finally has to slap himself in the face around 10:00)

Just don't watch them at work, or you may not be able to stifle your amusement.

Corpsing

Cadaverous roles
Often can't include wriggling.
Realistically playing dead
Probably means no giggling.
Still when that funny thing gets
Into your head
Nothing is harder than
Going on like you're dead.

So-da Radio is Educational?

This post is going to be a long one, but it is about several things that particularly interest me: the Diane Rehm Show, childhood obesity, and public policy among other things. So grab a (non-soda) drink and make yourself comfortable if you plan on reading it.

The first hour of the Diane Rehm show (best radio program ever) yesterday was about how soda drinks contribute to childhood obesity. Now first a note on childhood obesity: this is a subject that particularly interests me. In fact I am considering a career in public policy and am certainly better qualified to work in other areas but childhood nutrition particularly interests me.

Being in England for the summer, I realized how bad our food is. Now please stop eye rolling, I don't mean to get into a diatribe about the downfall of America because I think we are generally pretty awesome. However we are not up to snuff with other first-world countries in areas like nutrition and physical activity. This opinion is roughly based on an unscientific survey of other countries during my vacation travels but just stick with me.

In England in particular, the grocery stores are filled with fresh, simple foods. And furthermore, the food stores are small and nearby. People visit the grocery stores more often and walk there, come away with a few bags, and carry them home. So not only do people eat fresher food, but they do it more frequently with a built in workout.

I do volunteer work whenever I can, often with children. About six months ago, I volunteered at my old high school for a school-activities fair for the attached feeder school. Here is the sad thing: about 80% of the kids were overweight. Four out of five kids. I don't remember seeing one non-white child over about 8 who was not overweight. And the white kids were not much better off.

Briefly, here are a few reasons I think this situation is worthy of "epidemic" status. First, an eight year old may not be able to dress himself, he surely cannot make informed and mature decisions about what to eat. Second, there were no skinny parents with overweight kids, this problem was indicative of the entire family's health. Third, lower-income families are more susceptible to targeted advertising and pricing of crappy food.

I guess that is the end of my rant, but maybe stop feeding your kids soda.

Soda

Small kids at risk for
Obesity before they can read.
Diet coke
And Sunny Delight are not things that children need.

British Invasion

Ok so I could not help but notice that this country is being taken over.

No, I did not mean by immigrants (racist) or by aliens (weirdo) or by liberals (fat cat.)  I mean by British Actors disguised as Americans.  There are tons of shows I really enjoy, then I tune in to Dave Letterman or Jay Leno and hear the actor interview with a surprise accent.

Let's be vigilant about this people.  Their population is only a fifth of ours, can we not find an American actor to play an American character?  But seriously, take away any of the hot ones and I may get vicious.

British

Batman Christian Bale
Rob Pattinson from Twilight
Intuitive detective Simon Baker from the Mentalist
Too bad it was canceled, Damien Lewis from Life
Incredible shoulders Joseph Fiennes from FlashForwad
Surreal FBI show Fringe's Anna Torv*
House's Hugh Laurie

* She is actually Australian but it was a colony of Great Britain and let's face it, they are like the British but with worse Indian food and a greater penchant for playing pranks.

Blurg Entry

In celebration of one of my favorite shows starting new episodes soon, I have written a poem to honor one of a million good quotes from 30 Rock - blurg.

The main character, Liz Lemon, sometimes mutters blurg when things are not going her way (usually.) Here is a good example. And if you haven't seen this show immediately go to Hulu.com and watch clips until you must break for a basic human need but not before then.

Anyway, if you have ever read this blog you already know my feelings about Mad Men and now you know about 30 Rock too. I fondly refer to it as 60 Rock because I watch all of the episodes at least twice. Also the theme song is my ring tone and sometimes I don't pick up right away so I can listen to it a little bit (sorry callers!)

If you were ever to make me choose between 30 Rock and Mad Men in some evil ploy to torture me, I would obviously choose the 30 Rock episodes where Jon Hamm from Mad Men was guest starring. I love those so much I would like to take them behind a middle school and get them pregnant.*

Blurg

Buttoned up exclamation of
Liz Lemon's creation.
Uttered in times of frustration.
Represents my feelings for the duration of this
Greatest show's summer vacation.
 
* 30 Rock quote - I am not THAT much of a perv.

Poem Ideas Needed!

Dear readers (or possibly reader): Please help me. I need some good suggestions for poem types for the coming months. I am running out of ideas.

I am looking for a format that allows for some creativity and isn't too long.

Thanks a million!

Poems

Please submit ideas
Of poems types to quash my creative dysfunction.
End my current brain freeze before it grows to blog
Malfunction.

Davids

I sincerely mean no disrespect to my future brother-in-law but in all fairness he has the sixth most common boy's name in the US. (My other bro-in-law has the third most common name.)

Anyway, I have met freakin' seventeen Davids lately. The bro-in-law is awesome, but some of these Davids are not my favorite people. Somehow it seems incongruous one of the most famous Davids, the one who fought Goliath, was an underdog and some of these guys are just bullies. Or maybe what irks me is the dearth of nickname choices ("Dave" has been tainted by Dave Thomas of Wendy's fame. Even the name Dave Matthews recalls a flash of an old rotund guy.)

Perhaps this rant stems from being the only child of three with an uncommon name. Or perhaps that one David who is has been bullying me lately is prejudicing me.

Anyway my favorite David gets a special nickname - BIL which stands for Brother-in-law. It seems more fitting.

David

Didn't
Attempt to brainstorm an unusual name.
Vacant of fresh
Ideas, another
David he became.

Maya Angelou is Ok

So apparently TMZ, the ridiculous teen-gossip empire, erroneously reported that Maya Angelou had become ill and was taken to the hospital.

Once this story was posted (and I use "story" in the Aesop/lying 7-year-old/false alibi sense) she became the number one Twitter trend.* Some people even added a premature "RIP" to the end of their tweets. The misinformation spurred dozens of friends to call her from around the world to check on her, only to find that she was perfectly well and at a planned speaking engagement.

This whole incident reminded me of something personal. Not too long ago a friend asked me a very important detail about our mutual friend's illness. I did not remember the specifics to relay so I gave a very vague update, apologized, and then the conversation moved along. Ten minutes later were were talking about celebrity gossip in stunning detail.

Later that night I was really and truly ashamed that I know the intricacies of the lives of all the reality TV "stars" on the E! network but not important things about those people who love and support me. Why would inane details about famous some stranger be more interesting or important than real life events happening at arm's reach?

I was watching the E! network again today and there was a scrolling news ticker across the bottom of the screen reporting why Miley Cyrus was discontinuing her use of Twitter. Why do people consume this crap? (Myself included.) Of similar newsworthiness is this story: My pocket lint - decreasing in size with each wash!

Angelou joked with the (real) news outlets, saying that news of her sickness was greatly exaggerated. And with that paraphrase of Mark Twain (who after reports of his demise said something like "Stories of my death are greatly exaggerated") she reminded us how to communicate artfully.

In that vein, I will try to occupy myself more with why the caged bird sings and less with why the staged word clings.

TMZ poem

Telling us celebrity news as
Melodramatically as it pleases.
Zealously scooping real news outlets in stories of fake diseases.

* I don't know exactly what a Twitter trend is, but I can only assume it is the most current ridiculous thing people are tweeting about. For more on my thoughts about Twitter, feel free to read my recent post about it.

Baby H

What a great thing, when a baby is loved so much before he or she is ever conceived. I am so excited for Baby H to come along!

It is so cool to think that he is going to know so many things that are beyond our imaginations today. And at this moment, he could literally be anything. Heck, there was even a guy who had a baby a while ago. Not that I am supporting that particular path, but it just goes to show that everyday things continually becoming possible beyond our wildest imaginations.

Baby*

Before you even existed, you were totally
Adored.
Be sure to learn care and love from your parents before
You mentally "cut the cord."

* Particularly for Baby H.

Obama

Ok so I am sure everyone is going to be talking about this today but I am not sure what the motivation for this Obama Nobel Peace Prize was. Are they trying to tell Obama that he is expected to accomplish great things? Or do they really believe what he has already accomplished was worthy of the Peace Prize?
I guess I hope the award was to inspire him to do something. Apparently the nomination deadline was 12 days into his presidency. That is pretty clearly not enough time for him to have made enough change to compete with other nominees who have dedicated their lives to creating peace. So this means that the committee is really trying to tell him that he better start doing something good for world relations?
I don't know, I think they secretly are just awarding him for not being Bush and that is the biggest waste of a Nobel Peace Prize I have ever heard of. Not that I liked Bush (or respected him) but for Pete's sake when can we MOVE ON? I have never been on a selection committee like this, but I just don't get it.
Obama
Only by virtue of not
Being someone else
Ain't a reason for Nobel
Medals to be
Added to your shelf

Judges

In my time working at the DA's office I have had exposure to a lot of great practical happenings. And to be fair I am coming at most issues from a prosecutor's point of view. But some judges don't seem to be as concerned about the law as others. And if judges aren't concerned with what the current law is then it sure is a waste of time learning it.

My dad always says that there are two kinds of judges, follow-the-law judges and do-right judges, and that it didn't matter which they were as long as they stuck with it and judged that way equally for everyone. I think he is absolutely right, except that do-right judges should be bound by what options are available to them not outside the law.

The law shouldn't be entirely up to the judge, he or she should consider that a general sense of justice might not be exactly in line with personal feelings inclinations.

Judge

Justice administered
Under a system mostly perfected
Do research before
Giving your verdict. That's why you were
Elected.

Geico-mmercials

Ok, has anyone seen the new Geico commercials with the talking inanimate objects that damage cars? Freakin' hilarious! My favorite may be the pothole, though the tree branch is pretty funny too. Also check out the fender bender and the married pipes.

Kudos to Geico for sometimes being more entertaining than the actual show I am watching.

Geico

Get your funny on!
Even I have advertisement-watching endurance.
In cases where the
Commercials make good
One-liners of insurance.

Expungement - It's a Funny Word

Mel Gibson had the record expunged yesterday for the his DWI back in 2005.

I just think that is hilarious because everyone in the world still knows about what he said and no legal decision is going to effect anyone's memory. In fact the only thing that will effect people's memories is time passed without hearing about it. So as far as reputation goes, reminding everyone about his crazy ramblings is one of the worst things he could do.

The main reason that you would get something expunged is so it is not on your record for criminal back ground searches or for future violations. Well, we all know it doesn't take a background check to be aware of this total train wreck so I guess he is planning on some more drunk driving. Can't wait to hear who he will blame it on next.

Mel
Mistakes you made
Exclamations in haste.
Legal expungement does not mean they're erased.

Dave

I can think of a top ten list: things you should avoid when your job consists entirely of making fun of famous people. Wanna know number 4? Sleep with women who work under you. (Yes I just teed up a thousand inappropriate jokes with the working "under" someone.)

Luckily for Dave Letterman, our last president spent every day of the last 8 years lowering the bar on expectations for well-known people. And the president before that made having "sexual relations" with subordinates seem like a job perk.

So basically it doesn't seem like such a big deal. But I wrote about it anyway.

Dave

Don't canoodle
And fraternize with women
Very junior at work.
Everyone may find out and think that you're a huge jerk.

February Jones

So on Mad Men, Don Draper's wife is named Betty and I'll be gosh darned if I wasn't watching a love scene between them last night and thinking that the actress, January Jones, has the best job in the world. Possibly the universe. If I were her, I would "accidentally" ruin most of the takes of the love scenes. Then you would just have to keep reshooting them. Just sayin'.

Anyway, that led me to think that if I were her, well, first I would be February Jones since I was born in the short month of Feb. But then secondly that I would be thinking something like this...

January

Jon Hamm
Acting as my man
Never stop shooting the love scenes if I can.
Under duress, I confess
Awareness of the jealousy you possess.
Red-faced by the impropriety
You'll never know I fake the love scene anxiety.

Oooo Blake

Last night I went to the cattle baron's ball with my friend Blake. Pretty much anyone reading this blog will have met him, so I need not say much more.

Blake

Buying and selling real estate
Loving his job though this market is not great
And as far as pets
Keep them away
Even if they just want to be petted or play.

Prego Jess

My poor friend Jessica (AKA Jess) was having the worst day Friday and had to miss out on dinner because she, in her full pregnant glory did this: twisted her ankle, tripped and fell, ripped her maternity scrubs (which she wears to work) and broke a bottle of wine. It was not her day. I hope they have been better since.

Luckily she is fine, probably due to the super fast reactions she developed while playing basketball in college.

Jess
Just nimble and athletic
Enough
Saving herself from falling but not from dropping
Stuff.

Mollie

My sister is hilarious.  Funnier than I am, and I say that begrudgingly and with a huge eye roll because of all things I like to be, funny is up there.  At the top.  So when I say she is funnier than I am, take that for the huge compliment that it is.

Luckily for me, she doesn't go out much so there is still hope that those unexposed will still think I am the funniest.

Mollie
Mostly skipping out
On social events.
Loves to talk about her vices
Like they're all past tense.
If she doesn't crack you up then you have no
Effing sense.

Mom

Anyone who knows my mom is aware that her picture could be in the dictionary next to a selection of very flattering words (caring, kind, loving, humble ... to name a few).  What you may not know is that when you leave her house while hungry, you are quietly killing her soul.

MOM 

Mostly unlauded, which is really quite rude
Over soft objections
Making me food.

Happy Blog-tober and a Welcome to....Name Poems!!

Ok so I have decided that I am doing name poems for October.  The rules will be something like this:

1. The poem has to be about someone or something.
2. Each line with start with a (consecutive) letter from the name of above (intentionally vague) subject.
3. I may throw in some rhyming, if the mood strikes me.

On that note, here is my attempt at October:

October

Only doing this late the night before.

Couldn't come up with anything more.

This doesn't bode well

O'er the rest of this theme,

But I had to work without ideas from the team
Everyone who feels this is complaint-worthy

Remember, please, that this blog is free.

Alternative last line for pirates:
Rejoice in this: you don't have scurvy.