Adios To Limericks!

Ok, honestly I am so finished with limericks.  I think I got a few good ones in there but it is extremely difficult to write a good one, in the correct meter with rhymes that makes sense and is moderately funny.  So I need something easy for next month, which I still have not decided on yet.  Please, submit ideas and don't make me do all of the research work.  Click the "submit ideas" above, not to actually submit ideas but to see the criteria and then click comment to submit ideas.  That made no sense, DO YOU NOT SEE HOW FRIED MY BRAIN IS?

On another note, I am thinking about putting a small box with links to Poetic Jabberwocky's best posts ever conceived, delivered, and then slapped on the back until they cried.  I'm thinking maybe one per month-ish so please vote for any post or posts you think should be included in this list.  If you suggest links from another blog then, well, message received.

For those of you few readers who do have an entry you like (particularly those who have been reading since the background color was baby's poop brown - ah the memories!) please suggest it.  I'll be in charge of polling the mice but no freakin way I'm asking that possum.  He seems like more of a nudie magazine reader anyway.

Since I'm doing a lot of housekeeping in this post, I wanted to let you know in advance that beginning on April 1st this blog will be moving to it's rightful place at www.poeticjabberwocky.blogspot.com and that is no April Fools joke.  This is because the new address properly reflects the name of the blog but the current address is poetryjabberwocky it is a subtle difference but I want to get this changed locked in before they start referencing my cutting edge political commentary on Fox News.  I think we can all (mostly) agree that those viewers will NOT be able to understand the difference.  I will be sure to remind you googlplex* times between now and then but I just wanted to get it out there.

[Reminder: blog address changing in April.  One reminder down! Sound of pencil crossing something off To Do list.]

A girl who wrote a daily limerick
Whose rhymes and syllables didn't quite fit
It's not as though she made money
If they were extra humorous
At month's end she thought, "Thank God that's it."

* Did you know googolplex is NOT where google headquarters is (that is Googleplex) but instead it is a ginormous number written either of these ways:

If that number was not first introduced in a competitive nerd discussion then my hair ain't sparkling auburn-y brown.  Ex: "Cylon Model Number Eight was a trillion times hotter than Number Six."  "No way, Number Six was a googolplex times hotter!"**

** Also, Nerd number two was totally right.  Number Six was a real vixen.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

There was another earthquake again today in Chile.  Is there such a think as earthquake season?  Sometimes I wonder what ancient peoples would have thought about this stuff.  It's not as if caveman knowledge was advanced enough to understand the idea of tectonic plates.  But now anyone who has CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, NBC, ABC, or the Discovery Channel basically understands tectonics.  It is the study of when huge pieces of earth act like those last few ice cubes in the glass: they look like they aren't possibly budging but then some imperceptible shift happens as you tilt the glass and they suddenly spill out over your nose.

But I imagine there was a good story way back when that made people believe they knew what caused earthquakes.  I'll bet it included giving natural forces human emotions.  Here is my crack at it:

There once was a tectonic plate
Searching the world for his true soul mate
Travels 'round causing quakes
But, none found, his heart aches.
Let's just be glad it won't procreate.

Spring Breakdowns

Ok, so I am about to flip out if I don't get a vacation soon.  I am tired of my house, of my bed, of this town, of this weather.  I could really use some beach time if we're getting specific.  Or maybe just some time out of town, anywhere.  Anywhere I say!!

Then I discovered that my spring break is coming up.  Usually spring break is about as interesting to me as the final episode of The Bachelor, that is it goes uncelebrated and mostly unnoticed except for everyone talking about it.  Once I posted on my facebook that I was looking forward to summer break and a friend commented that she wished she had summer break and I had to remind her that when you work and go to school my summer break was her regular schedule [icy glare.]

But this spring break is different, I'm not working so I could really go somewhere.  Now I just need to find a rich benefactor to pay for it.  [Cue Debbie Downer "Wa-waaaaah" noise.]

There once was a future attorney
Who imagined a relaxing journey;
Twas a lovely vacation 
To a beachy destination.
As they carried her off in a gurney.

Wanted: New Creative Types, Short Applicants Only

We are nearing the end of the month again and I am having trouble deciding what kind of poetry to use next month.  As always, I am very open to suggestions.  For Pete's sake, please don't suggest anything longer than five or six lines I'm a student not a professional blogger (or plogger.)  While I would love to write a fourteen line sonnet every day but I am pretty sure that would kill me.  Quickly.

And feel free to be creative.

There once was a girl who wrote verse
But its daily nature was her curse.
She would constantly gripe
About choosing a new type
Hoping each month didn't make it worse.

Jas-ersize

Today is my friend Jas's birthday.  Aside from his as-of-yet unrealized promise to guest write on this blog he is a pretty decent guy.  We have been friends since eleventh grade when I challenged him with a movie quote which he immediately identified.  We have had our ups (Mardi Gras birthday celebrations) and our downs (when he monopolized my boyfriend with guy time) but as with most of our group from high school we are still good friends. 

If I'm being serious, it has mostly been a lot of good times.  So, you want to be my friend forever, feel free to take a crack at the quote if you want: "Get down and give me...infinity!"  [Not you Jas!  You're already in.]

There once was a fellow named Jas
Who quoted movies with great pizazz.
He'll ace any test
Because he's obsessed.
Wonder 'bout what kind of life he has?

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

I am incredibly excited to take the day off for the first time since writing this blog!  I say it's allowed since I write two limericks a few days ago and it's my birthday.

But I won't leave you with nothing to read, instead I am going to leave you with some works by a few other people.  One of the joys of being a world class (read: the world's only) plogger is that you receive some real gems for your b-day.  Here are a few of them:

This is from my friend Tad who does an excellent of incorporating some private jokes including the time he accidentally poured an entire beer down my dress (he was hugging me and didn't consider that the sudden tilting of our bodies would equal the tilting of his beverage), the time a mutual acquaintance tried to convince us a head would with gravel in it could be remedied by Listerine, and the fact that he liked to get the dog all riled up right before bedtime when she was a puppy.

There was a gal named Alisa Scher,

To eat bacon she would not dare,

Although she calls her dog “the monster”

And dog play sessions may sometimes be a disaster;

There is no other canine she’d want to sponsor,

Heck, Zoe looks like Yoda the Jedi Master.*

Someday she may crash your party,

and make a big ole mess;

To retaliate hardy,

simply pour beer down her dress;

When you fall and she gives your wounds a clean,

Stop whining you pansy, its only Listerine!!

Although this poem may keep the laughter at bay,

I certainly hope you have a Happy Birthday.

Second is this little ditty from my cousin Stef who is a creative writing genius.  Though we have an ongoing debate over who should end up with actor Ian Somerhalder. (Honestly she can have him, I'm more of a Stefan gal than a Damon person.)

Alisa, Alisa I love you so much,

But Ian is mine so don't you dare touch!!!

Even though it's your birthday that's usually full of wishes come true,

If you try and swoop in on my man, I will SUE YOU.

And last but not least, a very cute (though non-birthday related) ditty from Adina in response to my limerick about her.

There once was a girl named Alisa
Whose blog was quite a crowd pleaser
Especially this one time
She immortalized me in rhyme
And in thanks, I drop to my knees, sir!

Ah how wonderful it is to be adored!  Happy Birthday indeed.

* And how cute is The Monster as Zoda (Zoe + Yoda)?

Crabby Girlfriend

Isn't it weird how crabs walk any direction except forward?

How do they not trip more often?  I have to look at every step when I'm walking on stairs* to avoid Humpty Dumpty style injuries, but somehow those little creepers can walk in all crazy directions without so much as a glance by their periscope eyes.  I find this multi-directional meandering makes them seem untrustworthy.  "Ah haha!" you laugh at their funny walk as you relax in your beach chair.  Then an hour later you find claw holes in all of your beer cans and your wallet is gone.

There once was a crab named Dwight
Whose gal complained during a fight
"You're just not straightforward!"
And pouting, headed shoreward
Marching straight ahead to the right.

* I'm not exaggerating, I have a serious stair walking problem.  Sometimes my brain forgets what directions to give the old legs around the fifth stair.  One of my biggest nightmares is continually falling down on an up escalator until someone hits the emergency stop button.

You Have Friends? Well I'm Two Epps Ahead of You

No, it's not a typo, I meant Epps.

Yesterday was my friend Epps's birthday.  Not only have he and I reached a point of solidarity in being a fellow February child and also in being the calming forces for his wife (who happens to be one of my favorite people on this earth.)  Frankly she needs us for balance.  See how I insinuate myself into other people's lives?  So slick!  I had an incredible time at their wedding which I blogged about here back in September.

Anyway back to Epps, it was his birthday this weekend.  In the past, he, his wife, and I have had more good times together than I can count.   I would tell you about some of them but I have no way of ascertaining if you are old enough to hear these things.  It's the internet, after all.

[This blog entry is rated G and approved for all audiences.]

But suffice it to say Epps is a great guy, the kind of person I can be friends with individually regardless of his marriage-to-my-friend status.  But just a heads up, you are going to want to keep him away from any single dogs.  Man do they LOVE his leg!

There once was a fellow from Eatonton 
(A place that likes teas if you sweeten 'em.)
When he drinks whiskey
He gets pretty frisky
If you're serving taquitos he's eatin' 'em.

[Note: I talked to the birthday boy later and through the conversation learned that his wife made him do work around the house on his birthday, so rewrote another limerick that may be more appropriate.  I mean his birthday was on a Saturday, that only happens every eight years or so!  Also, it is really difficult to rhyme Eatonton.]

There once was a husband named Chris
'Bout the good ole days he'd reminisce.
Til a shout from his spouse
"Get to work on the house!"
And he did, or else no good night kiss.

The Fellow from Dallas

This one is dirty, so put away your bible, send your kids into the other room, and lay the picture of your grandparents face down for a second.  I think this is more or less how limericks are supposed to go though, so don't blame it on me.  Blame it on the limerick culture.

I was reading some limericks on line though, and I think the saying-nice-things-about-people style is not really in the spirit of the craft.  So here goes.

There once was a fellow from Dallas
Whose wife cursed his sexual prowess
One night he climbed astride 'er
And made her a bull rider:
He'd tattooed a longhorn on his phallus.

What, You Again?

Ok honestly, this daily limerick-ing is killing me.   It is quite difficult.  Well, not really, but I have found other ways to entertain myself online (playing games) and so I have been, we will say, less-diligent about posting.  Occasionally people will ask when I am going to post something.  Actually just one person reads this blog now so he is the only one who asks and he does it nicely.

But honestly, I am playing thing online like Bejewled and the very cool and retro game of frogger that was once the subject and theme of a Seinfeld episode.

There once was a slacking blogger
Who'd rather play online frogger.
She'll write her damn poems
Then after she'll show 'em
In postings, but try not to dog her.

Adina, She Could Be Much Mean(a)

Really it is stalker-esque how often I blog about my cousin Adina (who is, herself, a blogger) but I couldn't help myself on this one.  If you don't check out her blog every now and then you should.  Unless you're Amish, then you don't have to.

There was a writer named Adina
Who'd make you laugh like a hyena
Though I once mentioned math
And she left with great wrath.
Now she'll only return by subpoena.

Mom Mom

Today would have been my grandmother's birthday.  She was pretty awesome for an elderly broad; funny, loving, and a great head of hair.  She was always there to tell you how great you were when you were down or make sure you didn't get too cocky when you thought you were the shiz.

As with most Jewish grandmothers, she made excellent chicken soup but hers had fairly dense matzoh balls, just perfect.  One time she offered me orange juice when I was at her house and I declined so she explained that OJ has important vitamins and it is so much better than processed drinks, etc, etc.  So I had a glass and it actually was quite good so I asked for another one, but she said "Oh not too much, it's very acidic."

Still, my favorite Mom Mom story of all time is about when she called my cousin who had just subscribed to caller ID.  Knowing who the caller was, she picked up the phone with a "Hello Mom Mom!"  My grandmother paused and said "So, you've got that new thing on your phone?"  My cousin replied that yes, she had the service and explained how it worked and how someone could know before picking up the phone who was on the other end of the line.  Mom Mom paused, then replied "so, can you see me right now?"

I really miss Mom Mom.  She was my last living grandparent and I was able to know her in my adulthood.  I picked her up for dinner most Fridays and we chatted about boys, jobs, life, traffic and lots of other things.  For some reason, I still have not taken her phone number out of my phone though I know no amount of fancy caller ID will make that call go through anymore.

But I still think about her a lot.  Sometimes when I put on lipstick (one of her biggest pet peeves - not wearing lipstick) I pause for a moment, look up, and think "So, can you see me right now?"

There was a grandma named Maryon
Whose soup was not so vegetarian.
She said "technology
Isn't really for me."
But, still, what a cute nonagenarian!

Happy Fat Tuesday Everyone!

A soldier named private McGraw
Went down to celebrate Mardi Gras
He awoke with head pain
And gasped "No, not again!"
Where his helmet belonged was a bra.

Paul

This one is for my friend Paul, from Con Law class.  I literally just whipped this one up in 20 minutes as we discussed Planned Parenthood v. Casey.  Paul, now you have to read my blog more often.  Who knows when I'll talk about you again.

There once was a student named Paul
Who'd rather be with his kids at the mall.
He spoke in conjectures
'Cause he ignored the lectures.
But he'll graduate soon, after all.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentines Day everyone!  Often I feel uncomfortable telling people this because some people are very sensitive about the celebration of Valentine's Day.  As far as I can tell, these people fall in to two categories: those who are single and dislike Valentine's day because is either useless or painful, and those who condemn Valentine's Day since it is a "holiday" created by business to stimulate business in a slow month.  Either way, I don't want to be lectured by either of these people so I usually keep my Valentine's Day wishes to myself, in spite of my excitement over the availability of Necco conversation hearts.

And I am writing today's limerick for those people to the rest of us, as an offering of peace.

To those who celebrate Valentine's Day
With a meal, a nice card, or bouquet,
Be aware there are those
Who decide to oppose
And reject what they think is cliche.

Why You Don't Stick Your Toe Where it Doesn't Belong

I am plogging virtually edit-free these days.  That is just how I like to roll recently.  (Hence very little commentary.)  I'm also trying to post more often rather than writing and saving, then editing all together.  So overall there is less editing for form or content so I apologize if I have offended any of the South Koreans.

But I hope you're watching the Olympics.  'Nuff said.  Well, one more thing, you should know this: the Koreans think he is a jerk.  I don't know why, but I find that interesting.

[Photo copied and pasted, hopefully not angering Chang W. Lee of the New York Times.]

U.S skater Apolo Ohno,
Whose last name became so apropos
When two Korean skaters
Who may now be traitors
Lost medals based on a misplaced toe.

Robert

My sister Mollie's husband Robert is also a hoot.  Sadly, his car died today.  This is particularly onerous because his songwriting career has not yet taken off.  It will one day though, mark my word.  You will see all the best dirty country singers belting out tunes written by Robert B.  I hope they also choose to call him Ro-bear as I do, cause that makes the crude lyrics funnier.

He sings a great song about how he met his girlfriend (mostly fictional) but my favorite is about the girlfriend with one arm (fictional).  She hugged him the best she could, if I remember correctly.

There once was a guy named Ro-bear.
Who pulled song lyrics out of thin air.
Sang 'bout how he charmed
A girl who'd been dis-armed
Strumming right through his wife's steely glare.

Mollie

Since I am doing the family thing, I thought I'd put together a little something about my sister Mollie.  She is the youngest (and acts like it).  Sadly, she is the funniest of the family (jealousy!) but she doesn't get out of the house too much so I have managed to mostly keep that under wraps.

Both of my sisters and I take an annual trip somewhere together and Mollie plays an important part in that trip.  She treks around Europe and Asia (OK, the Asian side of Istanbul) in her Texas Tech shirts asking everyone directions in English.  This is so annoying the first day but as time goes on you really just need to put down your back pack and it grows infinitely more tolerable. Thank goodness someone will ask directions for you and allow you to show disapproval of her English by making mildly disgusted looks while standing behind her.  She usually doesn't even get angry.

Then again, you have to deal with her most sinister side.  If you ever come across a modern-day evil mastermind, he or she was probably an apprentice to my sister Mollie.  One year she bought herself a t-shirt that said "Mom's Favorite" and held on to it for four months.  Four months this plan lie in wait!  She kept the shirt that long so that she could casually throw it on as pajamas in front of me and pretend that our mom had bought it for her and that she assumed all three sisters received one.  She just casually said "Oh I feel so bad about not wearing this since mom gave them to us, I'm glad I'm getting a chance to wear it now."  You may be thinking, I guess that is smart of her...but evil genius?  Come on!  Well I tell you, friend, she waited until the sixth night of the trip, as though it was her last clean sleep shirt.  She sat on that gig for months and then was totally fine holding it for another week.  Evil!

Well Molls has finally booked a honeymoon (she and her husband were married in July.)  They are going to Singapore and Bali.  I am so jealous, but not as much of Mollie as I am of her husband Robert who will get to witness Mollie's attempted communication skills in a whole new part of the world.  I hope he takes video.

There once was a traveler named Mollie
Who will never be fluent in Bengali
Spends her time overseas
Yelling "C-A-N Y-O-U H-E-L-P M-E?"s
Next she's taking her Tech shirts to Bali.

Father Figure

Now that I have written about my mom, I thought I'd share a little bit about my dad.  If you have learned anything about me, then already know a little about my dad - we are pretty much alike.  Of course he is much more accomplished than I am in many ways.  He is an excellent trial lawyer, very good story teller, he's pretty funny if you aren't easily offended and he makes a helluva steak.  But I have much better fashion sense.

I think that if you do the right thing with your life, you look at what your parents did right and you copy it, make improvements on what you don't like, and end up a better person.  I am lucky enough to have a very difficult job in that task.

There once was a fellow named Marc
Whose dog had a very strange bark.
He seldom told a joke
That didn't end in a poke.
He'll win lawsuits with one sharp remark.

If You Use Morse Code, You May Be Dash Dot Dot Dot Dash Dash Dot Dot Dot (Nuts)

Why does everyone on television know Morse Code?  Once a month I am watching some show and someone says "Wait, that is Morse Code!"

First, in which subject do children learn Morse Code?  Some public school graduates today can't even speak one language well, much less use any system that will allow them to communicate with submarines.  For military people, I suppose that is totally different and Morse Code may be a class.  But if it is, maybe we can transfer some of that military classroom funding into buying socks for soldiers.  Or armor.  Just a few ideas I had.

Second, how would someone remember Morse Code?  If you don't use it regularly there is no way you are going to remember that stuff, no matter how elementary you may have found it at one point.  I don't think I'm being cynical, if you remembered grade school geography better then there would be no premise for Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

Last, and most importantly, how on earth can you recognize Morse Code?  I will give you a pass if you are on a boat and you are recognizing SOS (dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot).  But under any other circumstance I don't believe anyone recognizes these random noises as communication.  Even if you did recognize it, no one would listen to you.  Why? Because you would have been hearing communication in everything from woodpeckers to wind to foot tappers in the subway to radio static and you are the boy who cries Morse.  And you might live on a bench.  And you may be a little crazy.

To the nerd who knows Morse Code
Your social life is clearly slowed.
Did you serve in the Navy?
Cause if so, you're gravy
Otherwise you should switch from geek mode.

Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Them Saints?

Now THAT was a game!  Or so I hear, I was forced to succumb to a Benadryl coma in the second half, but I did watch the end today on tivo.  What, don't look at me like that.  It was a medical emergency, trust me I wouldn't miss the only Superbowl any team I support will be participating in anytime this decade.

[Stares angrily towards Cowboy Stadium.]

A huge "Congrats!" go out to the Saints.
You won't even hear my complaints
'Bout bandwagon fans that
Keep asking "Who Dat?"
They held Peyton as though with restraints.

Ed Note: Grammatically speaking, I know the word "that" should be "who" but who doesn't rhyme and I was kind of embracing the whole "New Orleans" grammar theme.  Who Dat!

Mahjong

I had one of those awesome days yesterday.  There were many food celebrations (lunch and dinner) for my mom's birthday, I found a pair of jeans on sale that look good on me, and my family and friends were extra adorable.

I hope my mom had as good of a day, and I think she did.  I love that she has friends just like her (sweet, fun, funny) and I love that they hang out with each other.  The get together for lunches, help each other out with family obligations, and sometimes they play Mahjong.  Those days, you can't interrupt them; they chat, share stuff, and man do they laugh.  I call it the sorority meeting.

I hope to one day have long time friends like that.

To the loquacious ladies who lunch,
Playing mahjong in a credit crunch.
Who cares about sub primes
When you've won back your dimes?
Laughing like someone has spiked their punch.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday!  If you don't know my mom, Ann, there is no way I can describe her to you.  Here is just a very general idea: take a moment and think of the nicest person you know.  Got it?  Ok good.  Well, compared to my mom, that person is Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada.

Now recall the best food you have had all year.  A meal that tasted so ridiculously good that you made intimate noises at the table.  Yea, well that food is like what cardboard poops out compared to my mom's cooking.

Now think of the most thoughtful thing someone has ever done for you.  The kind of thing that once it was done, you thought "How did you know?"  Well that gesture was like sneezing in someone's face compared to what my mom does on pretty much a daily basis.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.  She is the best!

I love you Mom. Happy Birthday!!

There once was a lady named Ann
Who was great with a pot and a pan.
She'll do you a favor
Cause she's a life saver
As she leaves you can see her cute can.

Update: Click on this post's comments and see what my dad has to say - so adorable!

From Our Friends in the Grand Old Party

I am really focusing on the politics lately.  It's a good move in a effort to be the next wonkette.  She is a pretty cool blogger, I guess.  But let's just say she doesn't do poetry so...point Poetic Jabberwocky.

Today's limerick is what I picture a bunch of robed Republicans chanting as they add ingredients to a smoking cauldron.  Eye of Newt Gingrich, balls of (Michael) Steele,  heart of health care.  First they say:

Double double, create trouble.
Liars burn and tempers bubble.*

Then they all drink the Kool-Aid and chant together in perfect union:

Let's distract with newsworthy dramas
And argue 'bout where to put commas
In bills we'll never pass
In a move to harass
And try to dethrone the Obamas.

To all you Republicans out there, you heard me!  It's a challenge.  Try and do something to benefit all the members of your constituency (the human ones, not just the corporations) rather than just toting the party line.  I know you have real feelings behind that mask, let it out!

* It's paraphrased Shakespeare, people.  Macbeth, to be specific.  You should check it out sometime.

Keep it Optimistic

Well we may never get partisan cooperation on anything ever again.  And we may be killing the earth one aerosol can at a time, and you can't afford to eat anywhere nicer than Wendy's but in times like these it is important to focus on this dark cloud's bright lining.

Keep it positive.  Chin up.  A smile a day keeps the doctor away, and all that jazz.

Playing stocks you somehow lost your ass.
Global warming is killing your grass.
Though cheaper health care's bull
See the glass as half full:
No more gripes about the price of gas.

Public Service Announcement

I didn't write this about anyone in particular, I was just trying to think of a limerick-appropriate topic.  But please feel free to send this post openly or anonymously to anyone you know who might need a hint.

If you were forwarded this and have never read my blog before, well, have a seat because we need to chat.

I may suffer mild from psychosis
But here's your layman's diagnosis
Cause each time you exhale
My knees buckle and fail.
I believe it's called halitosis.

Scott Brown

Scott Brown is the talk of the Hill these days!  His election has effectively killed health care reform for the time being, but how will he vote on other major issues?  Only time will tell, but I think Second Amendment supporters can relax.  I doubt he'll be going after your guns any time soon; if anything I peg him as a hunter of sorts.

Or that could just be his bearskin-like happy trail influencing me.


When Scott Brown starts using all his charms
You need not sound the policy alarms
He's killed with authority
The super majority
And exercised his right to bare arms.

Limerick February

Ok I am taking the plunge and plogging in limerick this month.  I am absolutely terrified of this because limericks are really effing hard to write.  But anonymous reader who prodded me, you win.

Here are the rules of the limerick:
- Five Lines
- Rhyme scheme AABBA
- The first, second, and fifth line have three feet of three beats each
- The third and fourth lines have two feet of three beats each

I'm going to try to stick with those last two, but I may be a beat or so off.  This is going to be ridiculously difficult, so give me a break, please.  And there is some added nonsense about the emphasis in each foot of rhythm.  But if think I'm following that then please know I am no Shakespeare.

Plogging in limerick will be quite hard
I'm nothing like a modern day Bard.
But this 'blogger beater'
Is to please a reader
I'm hoping it won't leave me too scarred.