[Post for Monday, June 16th]
I have an extremely immature update to the posting about my favorite legal terms that are not as funny as they sound. One of the awful things about Barbri is that you have to learn classes in several hours that you had never taken in law school. One of the wonderful things is that you are exposed to all different kinds of the law. One of the better things about about the wonderful things is that I have expanded my knowledge of funny legal phrases. And I have one to add.
Dry Hole Provision: this has nothing to do with premarital agreements, in case you were wondering. (Gross, I know!) A dry hole provision is an oil and gas term that means if a lessor drills for oil and blah blah blah blah DRY HOLE! Enough said.
Dry hole. A way out that works like a fire exit you are so glad you built. Like decoy a phone call to get you out of a bad date.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Free Financial Advice
[Entry for Monday, June 7]
Look, I am not trying to depress the crap out of you but here is how much your investing strategy sucks: you should have invested in forever stamps.
Facts:
In April 2007, you could have bought one share of Google stock instead for about $458 (not including fees or minimum purchases). That share would be worth $485 today. That is a rate of return of about 6% (total, I'm not calculating the annualized rate of return for here you folks. I do have somewhat of a life.).
Heck, you could have purchased one single share of Berkshire Hathaway for $108,000 in April 2007 and on May 18th it would be worth $113,300. That is a return of a little less than 5% and that is saying something because I think Warren Buffett is a effing financial genius.
"Oh my dear," you may say in a patronizing tone while adjusting your monocle "I invest solely in real estate." Yea, well do you know of any of the properties you own give a higher return than those stocks, net of tax, repair, maintenance and administration costs? I doubt it. It turns out you are a little more Mr. Peanut and a little less Mr. Monopoly.
Here is where you are really going to start kicking yourself: in April 2007, you could have purchased 100 forever stamps for $37. Today those stamps would be worth $44. That is a rate of return of 19%.
So if you really want to beat up on your financial adviser (not that this market hasn't done that enough) you should call and discuss these figures with him or her. In the meantime I propose this new marketing slogan for forever stamps:
Forever stamps.
Like the Statute of Liberty's head found on a beach in a foreign monkey world. As stubborn as Mayan ruins that will never fall. As solid as the foundation in the buildings you own is not.
Forever. Stamps.
Look, I am not trying to depress the crap out of you but here is how much your investing strategy sucks: you should have invested in forever stamps.
Facts:
In April 2007, you could have bought one share of Google stock instead for about $458 (not including fees or minimum purchases). That share would be worth $485 today. That is a rate of return of about 6% (total, I'm not calculating the annualized rate of return for here you folks. I do have somewhat of a life.).
Heck, you could have purchased one single share of Berkshire Hathaway for $108,000 in April 2007 and on May 18th it would be worth $113,300. That is a return of a little less than 5% and that is saying something because I think Warren Buffett is a effing financial genius.
"Oh my dear," you may say in a patronizing tone while adjusting your monocle "I invest solely in real estate." Yea, well do you know of any of the properties you own give a higher return than those stocks, net of tax, repair, maintenance and administration costs? I doubt it. It turns out you are a little more Mr. Peanut and a little less Mr. Monopoly.
Here is where you are really going to start kicking yourself: in April 2007, you could have purchased 100 forever stamps for $37. Today those stamps would be worth $44. That is a rate of return of 19%.
So if you really want to beat up on your financial adviser (not that this market hasn't done that enough) you should call and discuss these figures with him or her. In the meantime I propose this new marketing slogan for forever stamps:
Forever stamps.
Like the Statute of Liberty's head found on a beach in a foreign monkey world. As stubborn as Mayan ruins that will never fall. As solid as the foundation in the buildings you own is not.
Forever. Stamps.
My Favorite Legal Terms That Sound Funnier Than They Are
[Entry for Sunday, June 6]
Pro bono
Actual Legal meaning: to work for the public good rather than for profit or personal interest.
I don't think I have to explain why this particular Latin term provokes giggles. And it's super flexible, you can use it in at least two different ways. One: Why do you think Craig is charging that hot blonde for her divorce? I think he has taken that case pro bono if you know what I mean. Two: I took the case defending the pornographic theater because I'm 100% pro bono. Either way, good times.
Hung Jury
Actual legal meaning: A jury that cannot reach a verdict by the required voting margin.
Possible misapplication would go "Did you see that group of twelve Chip n' Dale guys at Julie's bachelorette party? [I think you see where I am going with this...]"
Preexisting duty
Actual legal meaning: A duty that one party has to another party that arose in the past. For example, Joe hires Mike to mow his lawn next week for $50. Joe pays Mike the $50. Before Mike mows the lawn he asks Joe for another $10 and Joe refuses. Mike still has to mow the lawn because he has a preexisting duty.
Another note about preexisting duty, this is why my roommate and I call it when Ty, the puppy, leaves us a smelly little gift and we don't find it until later.
Penal Anything
Penal is a word used to describe anything that pertains to punishment for a crime. I don't think I have to explain why this is funny. It works to create double entendre with pretty much any phrase. Penal transportation (the job of a jock strap?), penal populism (very low in lesbian communities), penal colonies (wonder why they declared independence?), penal code (similar to the bro code?). I could go on and on and on.*
Attractive Nuisance
Of all the phrases I have learned in law school, this is the one I have made the focus of the most jokes. If you don't know at least seventeen people who could be classified as attractive nuisances, then you aren't hanging out at the right clubs/bars/grocery stores/dating websites.
For the record, an attractive nuisance is a dangerous condition on land that may attract children and then injure them. Much more boring than what you were imagining.
Attenuated taint
This is, by a large margin, my favorite legal phrase that sounds gross. Taint has its the regular literal meaning, the trace of something bad. Taint is often used in terms of bad things done that make a search illegal. For instance, if a police officer searches a house without consent, a search warrant, or probable cause, the search is tainted. However, when the tainted activity is done so far back in a long chain of events, the taint is said to be attenuated and sometimes doesn't not make the product of search illegal.
Now, there is also another meaning for taint that you are more likely to find in urban dictionary than Webster's dictionary. Because of this my seventh grade mind could not keep quiet.
I had a criminal procedure professor who said attenuated taint so many times that I had to excuse myself from the the classroom. In my defense, I sat in the front row and he had a hand motion of drawing something out that went along with the phrase.
Like a volcano of laughter waiting to explode.
In a courtroom that is solemn as a funeral.
One giggle leaks out, like a drop of water falling from the bathroom faucet long after the house is empty.
* Thanks to my extreme immaturity
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy, and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.I am studying for the bar exam now, and so I am going to be writing about more legal things. Just live with it. Today I'm writing about my six favorite legal terms that sound like something funny. Get that drum set ready for some rim shots!
-Chief Justice William Rehnquist
Pro bono
Actual Legal meaning: to work for the public good rather than for profit or personal interest.
I don't think I have to explain why this particular Latin term provokes giggles. And it's super flexible, you can use it in at least two different ways. One: Why do you think Craig is charging that hot blonde for her divorce? I think he has taken that case pro bono if you know what I mean. Two: I took the case defending the pornographic theater because I'm 100% pro bono. Either way, good times.
Hung Jury
Actual legal meaning: A jury that cannot reach a verdict by the required voting margin.
Possible misapplication would go "Did you see that group of twelve Chip n' Dale guys at Julie's bachelorette party? [I think you see where I am going with this...]"
Preexisting duty
Actual legal meaning: A duty that one party has to another party that arose in the past. For example, Joe hires Mike to mow his lawn next week for $50. Joe pays Mike the $50. Before Mike mows the lawn he asks Joe for another $10 and Joe refuses. Mike still has to mow the lawn because he has a preexisting duty.
Another note about preexisting duty, this is why my roommate and I call it when Ty, the puppy, leaves us a smelly little gift and we don't find it until later.
Penal Anything
Penal is a word used to describe anything that pertains to punishment for a crime. I don't think I have to explain why this is funny. It works to create double entendre with pretty much any phrase. Penal transportation (the job of a jock strap?), penal populism (very low in lesbian communities), penal colonies (wonder why they declared independence?), penal code (similar to the bro code?). I could go on and on and on.*
Attractive Nuisance
Of all the phrases I have learned in law school, this is the one I have made the focus of the most jokes. If you don't know at least seventeen people who could be classified as attractive nuisances, then you aren't hanging out at the right clubs/bars/grocery stores/dating websites.
For the record, an attractive nuisance is a dangerous condition on land that may attract children and then injure them. Much more boring than what you were imagining.
Attenuated taint
This is, by a large margin, my favorite legal phrase that sounds gross. Taint has its the regular literal meaning, the trace of something bad. Taint is often used in terms of bad things done that make a search illegal. For instance, if a police officer searches a house without consent, a search warrant, or probable cause, the search is tainted. However, when the tainted activity is done so far back in a long chain of events, the taint is said to be attenuated and sometimes doesn't not make the product of search illegal.
Now, there is also another meaning for taint that you are more likely to find in urban dictionary than Webster's dictionary. Because of this my seventh grade mind could not keep quiet.
I had a criminal procedure professor who said attenuated taint so many times that I had to excuse myself from the the classroom. In my defense, I sat in the front row and he had a hand motion of drawing something out that went along with the phrase.
Like a volcano of laughter waiting to explode.
In a courtroom that is solemn as a funeral.
One giggle leaks out, like a drop of water falling from the bathroom faucet long after the house is empty.
* Thanks to my extreme immaturity
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Joyce-T (Just?) When You Thought Baseball Was Boring
I forgot when I had a massage booked the other day. I was cleaning the house and just didn't go. I was so bummed since I had been gearing up for that massage for a week. The worst part was that I had a gift certificate but reserved the spot on my credit card so I had to pay for a phantom massage I wasn't even planning on paying for in the first place. That I didn't even get. How very annoyed I was about my mistake.
A big thank you to Jim Joyce who reminded me how big a screw up can really be. The poor umpire made what was apparently a terrible call (I didn't see it) which prevented Armando Gallaraga from going down in the record books as one of only a couple dozen perfect game.
The notable thing about this whole debacle was that the umpire, Jim Joyce, immediately and totally admitted his error and apologized. I love that! No one apologizes anymore. Thanks to lawyers, PR officers, mothers-in-law, and various other bossy times, no one is free to apologize openly anymore. I love that this dude just came out and said he botched the call and the consequence of that was Gallaraga missing out on his perfect game. He didn't make any excuses, just said he it was the most important call of his career and he got it wrong.
I find that so refreshing!
Like a bell that can't be unsounded.
One moment can seem like a huge whale swallowing you again every time you turn on SportsCenter.
Really puts into perspective those small mistakes which are much more like guppies in the ocean.
A big thank you to Jim Joyce who reminded me how big a screw up can really be. The poor umpire made what was apparently a terrible call (I didn't see it) which prevented Armando Gallaraga from going down in the record books as one of only a couple dozen perfect game.
The notable thing about this whole debacle was that the umpire, Jim Joyce, immediately and totally admitted his error and apologized. I love that! No one apologizes anymore. Thanks to lawyers, PR officers, mothers-in-law, and various other bossy times, no one is free to apologize openly anymore. I love that this dude just came out and said he botched the call and the consequence of that was Gallaraga missing out on his perfect game. He didn't make any excuses, just said he it was the most important call of his career and he got it wrong.
I find that so refreshing!
Like a bell that can't be unsounded.
One moment can seem like a huge whale swallowing you again every time you turn on SportsCenter.
Really puts into perspective those small mistakes which are much more like guppies in the ocean.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Ty-me To Learn!
Is there anything more annoying than house training an obstinate puppy? My puppy Tayau has grown into a some kind of freak urine factory. If only we could use this technology to produce energy, a majority of the world's problems would be remedied.The thing is, Ty is no longer the cute little puppy who piddles. Now he pees. He pees on my roommate's rug, or the living room rug, on the kitchen floor, and yesterday in a misguided attempt in the guest bathroom. If this continues it will soon have to be classified as piss which is a word I generally don't use. But I feel it conveys the correct amount of animosity.
I am just happy when he stands still. The "walking pee" is both difficult to spot and tedious to clean up. My back has a semi-permanent curve in it from cowering over the floor with a rag and a bottle of Nature's Miracle (whose primary miracle is the severe increase in sales since March.)
The good news is that he has learned how to give you his paw, or shake. So at least he can ruin my hardwood floors like a gentleman now.
Before Ty, my friends would call me the dog whisperer. Now I have morphed into the dog screamer.
Little puppy.
Leaking like a gulf coast oil rig.
As sneaky as neighborhood kids who run up to your doorstep and light a bag of feces on fire, but less funny.
Cute as a button, like a really adorable button that you might find on a baby's sweater.
But sometimes debatably not worth the trouble, like pantyhose.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Uncle Fred
Several days ago was my Uncle Fred's birthday. Just a note about my
Uncle Fred, he is just plain lovely. If everyone ever agreed on the
correct way to spell certain laughs (Ah ha ha! or Ahaha!, the debate
continues) then those words could finally be included in the dictionary,
and several
of them would say See Fred Time.
I had lunch with him last week and, as usual, he was a pleasure to be around. One of my favorite things about him is when someone helps him out, a clerk at the courthouse or a waiter at a restaurant he is generous enough to tell them "Good job. Go ahead, take the rest of the day off." Any old shmuck can give his employees the day off but Uncle Fred gives other people's employees the day off. Now that is a good man.
Here is a very happy birthday poem for Uncle Fred:
Fred
Treats his bike like the Proud Mary, whose big wheels seldom stopped.
Always there to say a nice word, like a fortune cookie.
Eternally as happy as a trucker who just won three grand in the lottery.
And as kind as the neighbor's dog who decides to poop in the yard next door.
Supporting you for every hour of the day you are awake like a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra.
Always seeing the good side of things, like Oprah's front windshield.
And as deeply loved as government holidays.
I had lunch with him last week and, as usual, he was a pleasure to be around. One of my favorite things about him is when someone helps him out, a clerk at the courthouse or a waiter at a restaurant he is generous enough to tell them "Good job. Go ahead, take the rest of the day off." Any old shmuck can give his employees the day off but Uncle Fred gives other people's employees the day off. Now that is a good man.
Here is a very happy birthday poem for Uncle Fred:
Fred
Treats his bike like the Proud Mary, whose big wheels seldom stopped.
Always there to say a nice word, like a fortune cookie.
Eternally as happy as a trucker who just won three grand in the lottery.
And as kind as the neighbor's dog who decides to poop in the yard next door.
Supporting you for every hour of the day you are awake like a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra.
Always seeing the good side of things, like Oprah's front windshield.
And as deeply loved as government holidays.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
DO NOT PANIC! It Will Only Attract the Worm.
Look, I don't mean to alarm you but I'm pretty sure we are all about to be eaten by a huge space worm.
You may not have heard about this because the international space worm lobby (ISWL) has been spending lots of cash keeping it under wraps but the entire planet of Jupiter is currently missing a gas ring. The hard working ISWL must have also had the name "gas rings" changed to "cloud stripes" presumably to avoid flatulence jokes and make it seem more innocuously Martha Stewart-y. Anyway, gas rings or cloud stripes do not get up and move themselves. Live space animals do.
I admit that the extent of my astrological knowledge is derived from third grade when we had to make a model of the planets using Styrofoam, wire, and markers but I can tell you Jupiter is pretty freakin big. There are all kinds of statistics on the size of Jupiter (and its rings) in comparison to Earth but let me graphically boil it down for you:
In this widely-used diagram, the dog is Earth and the lady is Jupiter.
In third grade astrology we also did not cover why a planet's gas rings would just disappear. Originally I thought this was omitted from the curriculum for the usual reasons (Have you heard? In Texas social studies, history, and science are "discovered" via School Board vote) but I was wrong. I just read that no scientist today has any idea why the ring would disappear. There are NO WORKING THEORIES ON THIS! If there is one thing scientists like to do it is create unprovable theories and discuss them over nerd coffee. But no one dares wax philosophical about the obvious reason for these rings disappearance (space worm has moved.)
"Oh, come on now, everyone calm down and take off those ridiculous tin foil hats!" I picture scientists saying.* "This has happened before and it is no big deal." No biggie? Tell that to Pluto! Yea, don't think I forgot about that little gem of a story, space scientists! All of a sudden Pluto is not big enough to be a planet? Yea, 'cause a huge space worm took a bite out of it!
I don't know about you but there are only several people I trust to tell me about what is going on in the world of nature and astronomy and if you take a cue from them, it isn't looking so good.
1. Al Gore, expert on why weird things are happening with the world: Separating from wife who supported him through presidential victory in name only followed by weight gain and creeper beard. Why would he leave her? Classic end of world behavior!
2. Carl Sagan, expert on the billions and billions of stars in the cosmos: Viewed his last planet in 1996 when he went to that big cosmos in the sky (is that confusing?) probably to check out of Earth before being consumed by space worm.
3. Captain Kirk, knows the cosmos like the back of many alien women's kissed hands: Starring in TV show based on facebook page which is based on a Twitter account about some guy's dad. Classic "will not have to answer for this later" behavior!
I don't really know what to tell you to do except call your insurance company and add space worm coverage to your policy. Then go ahead and pop open that bottle of Dom you were saving for your husband's promotion. The only upward movement he will be a part of has to do with the intestines of a worm.**
Space worms.
Forced to leave home to find food or starve like a law student during exams.
With stomach growls like earthquakes shaking the foundation of our world.
Taking another look at our world which is less green and more toasty than before, like fried okra.
Licking its lips and preparing to strike before reassuming its position around Jupiter as hula hoop would circle an obese schoolkid.
* Seriously, you look ridiculous, take it off.
** So gross, I know.
You may not have heard about this because the international space worm lobby (ISWL) has been spending lots of cash keeping it under wraps but the entire planet of Jupiter is currently missing a gas ring. The hard working ISWL must have also had the name "gas rings" changed to "cloud stripes" presumably to avoid flatulence jokes and make it seem more innocuously Martha Stewart-y. Anyway, gas rings or cloud stripes do not get up and move themselves. Live space animals do.
I admit that the extent of my astrological knowledge is derived from third grade when we had to make a model of the planets using Styrofoam, wire, and markers but I can tell you Jupiter is pretty freakin big. There are all kinds of statistics on the size of Jupiter (and its rings) in comparison to Earth but let me graphically boil it down for you:
In this widely-used diagram, the dog is Earth and the lady is Jupiter.
In third grade astrology we also did not cover why a planet's gas rings would just disappear. Originally I thought this was omitted from the curriculum for the usual reasons (Have you heard? In Texas social studies, history, and science are "discovered" via School Board vote) but I was wrong. I just read that no scientist today has any idea why the ring would disappear. There are NO WORKING THEORIES ON THIS! If there is one thing scientists like to do it is create unprovable theories and discuss them over nerd coffee. But no one dares wax philosophical about the obvious reason for these rings disappearance (space worm has moved.)
"Oh, come on now, everyone calm down and take off those ridiculous tin foil hats!" I picture scientists saying.* "This has happened before and it is no big deal." No biggie? Tell that to Pluto! Yea, don't think I forgot about that little gem of a story, space scientists! All of a sudden Pluto is not big enough to be a planet? Yea, 'cause a huge space worm took a bite out of it!
I don't know about you but there are only several people I trust to tell me about what is going on in the world of nature and astronomy and if you take a cue from them, it isn't looking so good.
1. Al Gore, expert on why weird things are happening with the world: Separating from wife who supported him through presidential victory in name only followed by weight gain and creeper beard. Why would he leave her? Classic end of world behavior!
2. Carl Sagan, expert on the billions and billions of stars in the cosmos: Viewed his last planet in 1996 when he went to that big cosmos in the sky (is that confusing?) probably to check out of Earth before being consumed by space worm.
3. Captain Kirk, knows the cosmos like the back of many alien women's kissed hands: Starring in TV show based on facebook page which is based on a Twitter account about some guy's dad. Classic "will not have to answer for this later" behavior!
I don't really know what to tell you to do except call your insurance company and add space worm coverage to your policy. Then go ahead and pop open that bottle of Dom you were saving for your husband's promotion. The only upward movement he will be a part of has to do with the intestines of a worm.**
Space worms.
Forced to leave home to find food or starve like a law student during exams.
With stomach growls like earthquakes shaking the foundation of our world.
Taking another look at our world which is less green and more toasty than before, like fried okra.
Licking its lips and preparing to strike before reassuming its position around Jupiter as hula hoop would circle an obese schoolkid.
* Seriously, you look ridiculous, take it off.
** So gross, I know.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Happy June Everyone!!
June's literary device is the simile! Simile is defined as a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, as in “she is like a rose.” I am going to enjoy this month because many similes use the word "like" which I believe is generally overused today (by many people, myself included) so I am going to use this month to cleanse my writing of all incorrect uses of like by carefully examine blog entries, like a mother carefully checking her child's hair for lice. See how lovely this can be?
[Ed. Note: The image above was located via google images and taken from a blog that took the image from somewhere else via google images. Ah the electronic circle of life! You should check out the blogger's entry on simile which has some outstanding examples of terrible simile as above.]
Simile.
A more clearly indicated metaphor, like a neon sign hanging above a hole in the wall bar.
Making it clear from the onset that, as in a car's side mirror, things may not be as they appear.
Allowing Burns to tell us his love "is like a red, red rose."
While your love, Bon Jovi explains, is like bad medicine.
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