You may not have heard about this because the international space worm lobby (ISWL) has been spending lots of cash keeping it under wraps but the entire planet of Jupiter is currently missing a gas ring. The hard working ISWL must have also had the name "gas rings" changed to "cloud stripes" presumably to avoid flatulence jokes and make it seem more innocuously Martha Stewart-y. Anyway, gas rings or cloud stripes do not get up and move themselves. Live space animals do.
I admit that the extent of my astrological knowledge is derived from third grade when we had to make a model of the planets using Styrofoam, wire, and markers but I can tell you Jupiter is pretty freakin big. There are all kinds of statistics on the size of Jupiter (and its rings) in comparison to Earth but let me graphically boil it down for you:
In this widely-used diagram, the dog is Earth and the lady is Jupiter.
In third grade astrology we also did not cover why a planet's gas rings would just disappear. Originally I thought this was omitted from the curriculum for the usual reasons (Have you heard? In Texas social studies, history, and science are "discovered" via School Board vote) but I was wrong. I just read that no scientist today has any idea why the ring would disappear. There are NO WORKING THEORIES ON THIS! If there is one thing scientists like to do it is create unprovable theories and discuss them over nerd coffee. But no one dares wax philosophical about the obvious reason for these rings disappearance (space worm has moved.)
"Oh, come on now, everyone calm down and take off those ridiculous tin foil hats!" I picture scientists saying.* "This has happened before and it is no big deal." No biggie? Tell that to Pluto! Yea, don't think I forgot about that little gem of a story, space scientists! All of a sudden Pluto is not big enough to be a planet? Yea, 'cause a huge space worm took a bite out of it!
I don't know about you but there are only several people I trust to tell me about what is going on in the world of nature and astronomy and if you take a cue from them, it isn't looking so good.
1. Al Gore, expert on why weird things are happening with the world: Separating from wife who supported him through presidential victory in name only followed by weight gain and creeper beard. Why would he leave her? Classic end of world behavior!
2. Carl Sagan, expert on the billions and billions of stars in the cosmos: Viewed his last planet in 1996 when he went to that big cosmos in the sky (is that confusing?) probably to check out of Earth before being consumed by space worm.
3. Captain Kirk, knows the cosmos like the back of many alien women's kissed hands: Starring in TV show based on facebook page which is based on a Twitter account about some guy's dad. Classic "will not have to answer for this later" behavior!
I don't really know what to tell you to do except call your insurance company and add space worm coverage to your policy. Then go ahead and pop open that bottle of Dom you were saving for your husband's promotion. The only upward movement he will be a part of has to do with the intestines of a worm.**
Space worms.
Forced to leave home to find food or starve like a law student during exams.
With stomach growls like earthquakes shaking the foundation of our world.
Taking another look at our world which is less green and more toasty than before, like fried okra.
Licking its lips and preparing to strike before reassuming its position around Jupiter as hula hoop would circle an obese schoolkid.
* Seriously, you look ridiculous, take it off.
** So gross, I know.
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