Gabourey Sidibe

Look, I'm going to be honest with you. If you don't want to be friends with Gabourey Sidibe then your parents definitely dropped you on your head as a baby. More than once.

She hosted Saturday Night Live last night and this was one of my favorite skits of hers.  Even as this old lady, the let's-hang-out-and-be-friends-ness of her shines through. 



I also love how on the Oscars red carpet she said it was like "prom for hollywood."  And check out the first thirty seconds of her Ellen interview with that dance, which she later said her friend choreographed with her in case she was ever a guest on Ellen's show.



But the best story of all is when Billy Bush of [whatever annoying celebrity-obsessed "news" show] was interviewing her on the Oscars red carpet and they were talking about attractive actor Gerard Butler who was approaching.  Gabourey (not realizing he was there) says to Bush about Butler "I'd hit that!"

I almost peed my pants out of sheer hilarity right then, but Billy Bush misses this comment and brings Butler over.  Then you can tell a producer recounts the comment to Bush because he puts his hand to his ear and says "What?  No she didn't." Then Bush asks Gabourey to repeat her comment in front of Butler and so she does.  They end the exchange with her joking that they should get a bottle of champagne and see where the night goes.  Totally classic.

I feel a little like I just retold a story from seventh grade recess but just watch the video, ok?

Glorious Gabourey
Knows the supreme thing to say
True talent, it's been said
But it never goes her head.

ASR Productions - Vanity Card #1

I desperately want to be outwardly annoyed with Chuck Lorre's vanity cards.  For those of you who don't watch television obsessively like I do, at the end of all TV shows by Chuck Lorre Productions, Chuck Lorre writes a note that flashes on the screen for less than a second.  If you want to read it you have to force your tivo do fast forward, go back, go slow, go back acrobatics until you get to that exact third of a second.  To see some samples you can go here, or you can just skip them totally after my ringing endorsement.

The whole thing is ridiculous.  So ridiculous, it could be called ridic.*  I find his ravings to be self-important and sometimes boring and occasionally stupid in a brow-furrowing, should-I-waste-the-time-to-read-that-again-so-I'll-understand kind of way. 

But it occurs to me that this is a perfect description of this blog.  So I guess that means I have to keep my mouth shut.

If it is called a vanity card
I had in mind it wouldn't be hard
To understand that it's vacuous and vain
And abstain from doing it again.

* I really like the "word" ridic because it is, in itself, a bit ridiculous.  But sometimes something is so inane that you really have to hit others over the head with the ridiculousness of it.  And so was born ridic.

Chelsea Handler

I remember when there was such a stir about "young people today" getting their news from untrustworthy sources like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and then later The Colbert Report.  I watched one and then both of those shows and often did hear about news for the first time on those shows, but they always made me do more research on things that interested me.  Things I would have otherwise not known anything about.

I no longer watch those shows (too much to watch, too little time) and it occurred to me that I have stooped to an even lower low.  I now get my news from Chelsea Handler and the comic round table on Chelsea Lately.  Compared to Stewart, it is a little light on front page news and a little heavy on page six, but sometimes it is still the first place I hear about the latest scuttlebutt.  Really quite sad.

Chelsea Lately.
Educating me greatly.
On every breaking broadcast
Of incredible inconsequence.

Look Out There's A Monster Coming

I had a "Lost" moment while watching Craig Ferguson last night.

Oh, you're confused?  Well that's how Lost works, but let me explain.  I don't know much about any of these things: Craig Ferguson, The Bonzo Dog, monster songs, or co-hosting so if you don't either then we are starting out in the same place.

I had the boob tube on to distract me while I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed.  Craig Ferguson was on and I accidentally heard and saw this:



[Ed. note: though  my favorite part is Ferguson's dancing, and my second favorite part is how the black guy in the tux looks at the monster.]

Well, clearly none of that makes sense.  Much like the show Lost, you had to know a little bit about a lot of things to have any idea what was going down and normally I would have shut off the television and moved on with my night - namely by reading or trying to fall asleep to a tivoed Chelsey Lately episode.

But that "look out there's a monster coming" really stuck in my head.  So I had to look up the skit on hulu.  Then I did some very cursory research on google and apparently this is not an original song, it was written and performed by a band called Bonzo Dog, sometimes called the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.

So naturally these questions evolved:
Why is this song on the Craig Ferguson show?
What kind of band name is that?  Why does it have a long and short version?

Why is there a monster coming on this show or in a song?
Why is that little man dressed as a miniature S&M participant?
Who is that alligator?

"Why is this song on Craig Ferguson?" you might start with, since this simple show has brought up many questions (just like Lost, ya see?) and I'll tell you why: Craig Ferguson is apparently taking on a robot sidekick.  Just leads to more questions, right?

Why is he taking on a side kick, and why is that sidekick a robot with a mohawk who only knows eight catch phrases?  Is this a permanent thing?  And what kind of other songs did this band sing?

Apparently Bonzo Dog is a British band from the 60s that sometimes played on a kids' show called Do Not Adjust Your Set.  They sang other songs like I'm the Urban Spaceman and Can Blue Men Sing the Whites.  And they clearly did the psychedelic thing (which I always thought was 1960s code for experimenting with drugs?) since they had a song called Canyons of Your Mind.

Look buddy, you're going to have to google some of these things yourself.  I'm not your effing secretary and I have stuff to do, like set Craig Ferguson's show to Tivo so I can figure out what was going on.  Also, that skit was kinda funny...in a psychedelic way.

But as you can see, the more I learned the less I knew.  I hope you can see how I was totally Lost.

Heinous hair, soiled suits.
And only eight bywords to boot!
Not sure where Craig got the game plan.
To pick up a mystifying metal McMahon.

If You Use Morse Code, You May Be Dash Dot Dot Dot Dash Dash Dot Dot Dot (Nuts)

Why does everyone on television know Morse Code?  Once a month I am watching some show and someone says "Wait, that is Morse Code!"

First, in which subject do children learn Morse Code?  Some public school graduates today can't even speak one language well, much less use any system that will allow them to communicate with submarines.  For military people, I suppose that is totally different and Morse Code may be a class.  But if it is, maybe we can transfer some of that military classroom funding into buying socks for soldiers.  Or armor.  Just a few ideas I had.

Second, how would someone remember Morse Code?  If you don't use it regularly there is no way you are going to remember that stuff, no matter how elementary you may have found it at one point.  I don't think I'm being cynical, if you remembered grade school geography better then there would be no premise for Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

Last, and most importantly, how on earth can you recognize Morse Code?  I will give you a pass if you are on a boat and you are recognizing SOS (dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot).  But under any other circumstance I don't believe anyone recognizes these random noises as communication.  Even if you did recognize it, no one would listen to you.  Why? Because you would have been hearing communication in everything from woodpeckers to wind to foot tappers in the subway to radio static and you are the boy who cries Morse.  And you might live on a bench.  And you may be a little crazy.

To the nerd who knows Morse Code
Your social life is clearly slowed.
Did you serve in the Navy?
Cause if so, you're gravy
Otherwise you should switch from geek mode.

According to Archer

Accord (noun): to be in agreement or harmony or (transitive verb): to cause to conform or agree; bring into harmony.

I think we can all agree that this world is missing an adult comedic cartoon about a spoiled but well trained spy working for his mom.  Good news everyone!  You should immediately add Archer to your DVR timers.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

[Sound of Muzak, possibly The Greatest Love of All.]


On you're not convinced yet?  It is a cartoon with voices of Aisha Tyler (Friends, 24, CSI), Chris Parnell (SNL and 30 Rock's Dr. Spaceman) and Jessica Walters (Arrested Development much?)  Also check out these quotes I personally selected for your reading pleasure:

"So will I learn karate?"
"Karate?  The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga."
"Krav...?"
"We have an ex-Mossad agent, he comes in on Thursdays.  Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class."

 And my personal favorite:

"Ironic isn't it?"
"I'm not sure that's technically irony."
"Whaaat?  This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation!"

And then later,

"Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?"
"Well, you know what?  I don't have a one to some-other-number of douche bag scale. So, six?"

Just try it once, you'll be hooked.

When you work with your ex and your mom 
It can be hard to reach an accord.
But Archer knows how to keep his calm
One episode - you'll be on board.

Seth Meyers

Now that I have discussed several guys in a row that I think are cute, I think it is only fair for a total change of pace.  Today I will talk about someone who I do not think is cute.  At all.  Not in the way meaning attractive and particularly not in the way that means funny.  His only job is to write for the Weekend Update and I am totally unimpressed with the majority of his jokes.  Also he has this annoying deadpan look that says "you can tell by the humor that I have just made a joke, you don't need to see it on my face."   Yea, Seth, we do.

SNL writer Seth Meyers.
Not my favorite of Lorne Michaels' hires.
Giving us his deadpan stare.
But it doesn't work when the humor's not there.

The Best of Booth Worlds

If you'll remember a week or so ago I told you, two readers, who one of my two new celebrity crushes was.  I am going to reveal the second now [dramatic drum roll] Actor David Boreanaz.  He used to be on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off Angel, but now he plays Agent Booth on the show Bones.  I have recently started following Bones thanks to my friend Jess's mom Karen who has excellent taste in TV shows.

Side Note: if I wanted to tell you what my sisters and I got my dad for Hanukkah, this would be the safest place ever because I know for a fact he stopped reading at "Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off."  FYI, it's a book about gunfighters.

Anyway, back to my celebrity crush, he is adorable.  He was actually discovered when he was walking his dog.  That is how cute he is.  And he is supposedly pretty funny in real life too.  When his wife supposedly cut her mouth on food in a restaurant during a practical joke for the show Punk'd he was pretty dashing the way he stuck up for her.  He is actually a pretty decent actor too.  Really here's what you most need to know about him:  Dibs!  Enough said.

Bones' FBI agent played by David Boreanaz
Looks like his hair was styled by piranhas
I find his wit and chivalry attracting.
I don't even mind when he takes his shirt off instead of really acting.

Ed. Note: The primary reason it took this long to write this posting was it is very difficult to figure out how to properly pronounce Boreanaz and then to rhyme it.

Dr. Drew

I have been watching Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew.  This sounds like one of those fluff shows with staged emotions and conflicts but it really isn't.  First of all I love a reality show that is realistic.  So much of it is staged these days (The Hills, The Bachelor, fake scales on The Biggest Loser, I could go on...) but Dr. Drew's Rehab shows are very real.  Plus they actually serve a purpose: they show other people struggling with addictions how difficult the process can be, but that it works.

Also that Dr. Drew is a tall drink of water.  If I had problems I would be taking them directly there, do not pass go do not collect $200.  Admit me Dr. Drew!




The ever helpful Dr. Drew Pinksy.
Coming at your issues like a medical Ted Kaczynski.*
He always knows the right thing to say.
All that patient stress is probably why his hair is prematurely grey.

*Too soon?  Yea, I thought so.  But honestly, almost nothing rhymes with Pinsky.  Yea, I'm still a bad person, I know. [Hangs head in shame.]

CSI: Miami

Ok stop snickering.  Yea, I watch CSI Miami.  I would be more embarrassed but odds are that one of the three people who read this blog watch it too.  It is fabulously ridiculous and I embrace it.  Here are my top 5 favorite things about this show.

5. Colorful cameras. Whatever video equipment they use to film episodes makes it look like everyone is getting a good tan just by standing there. The colors are exaggerated, overly pastel, and barely this side of outrageous. Just like real Miami.

4.Ugly people. There aren't any at all, except for your occasional hired mercenary killer but even he has unusually nice skin.

3.Swift Justice. Most of the cases are solved in about 24 hours. The only other place were justice is doled out so swiftly is in Judge Judy's court. It is incredible that DNA results, interviews, trace tests, background checks, etc etc can be finished in one day. My favorite part is when they bring in someone, interview them, do some tests, and bring that same person back. Did they not JUST leave seventeen minutes ago on your schedule? Cause according to the camera work it is still just after lunch on a sunny day.

2.Fake Science. Oh, you can tell by someone's sweat his name, address, what kind of car he drives, and preferred pastel color shirt.  That is incredible.  How annoying does this crap make real crime scene investigators who have an eleven month backup to determine if that is human or animal blood at the triple homicide scene?  I don't know for a fact but I've got my money on pretty peeved.

1. Lieutenant.  Horatio. Caine.  I used to be so annoyed that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders coreographed hair flips into their routine (that's not dancing!) but after a while of watching it you kind of had to respect how they used the flip and swoop.  Horatio Caine is the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader of glasses-acting.  I have never seen an actor so successfully substitute a simple prop for acted emotions. Exhibit A.

Ok, I've run an optical test on you based on the newest technology that says rapid eye movement in the fifteenth quadrant indicates boredom so I will wrap this up now.  [How great would it be create fake science to support everything you say!?!]

CSI: Miami
Technical.  Exact.
Measuring, whispering, story-telling.
Beautiful people, beautiful clothes
Science-fiction

Television

I am terribly behind on posting with little to no excuse. (But seriously, I don't have an internet connection at home right now!) Anyway, I have been wasting a lot of time lately doing something pointless - watching television.

I like a good program as much as the next gal but turning on the old boob tube just to have something to distract yourself. Unacceptable!

Television

Thoughtless oasis to
Entertain my stress away.
Leave me on the couch as I'm
Escaping for a day.
Veritable universes take over my mentality.
In the meantime wheels grind on the machinery of reality.
Spring or fall? I don't know while
Images flicker across the screen
Outside my living room is the
Nuisance of duties in a house that remains uncleaned.

How I Almost Didn't Meet Your Mother

So, last night I went the the parental units' abode to mooch off of their leftover food, and then I went to class and I'll be darned if I didn't miss the season premiere of one of my favorite shows: How I Met Your Mother.

I have gone months without seeing any new Barney Stinson and I can't take it anymore. Luckily I did not miss the meeting of the mother (just the usual hinting that it was close, which it never really is.)

Missed Season Premiere poem:

Class is one great event.
Family dinner is another.
But I don't prefer either
During How I Met Your Mother.