Weird Science

Oh happy happy, decade.  There were lots of things that I thought you might bring, though you didn't.  Then again there were a lot of surprises too so as the Rolling Stones say I guess you can't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes you just might find you get lots of things you don't particularly need.

Things I thought I would see by now, but don't yet exist:
- A commercially viable hovercraft.
- A SUV hybrid that actually saves gas.
- An end to flu strains that are named after animals.
- Implementation of a cheap and plentiful way to produce energy or food.
- Something that will effectively pick up dog hair.

Here are some things I didn't really particularly need, but hey, here they are:
- The reclassification of Pluto
- A temple for the religion of science, you know, since we are light on religious turmoil these days.
- Discovery of carnivorous sponges and snails in the ocean (increasing the likeliness my sister will have to start wearing arm floaties in the bathtub again.)
- A gene therapy cure for color blindness.  I mean that's great, don't get me wrong, but scientists should also google these: cancer, AIDS, heart disease.

But still, kudos for expanded genome mapping and finding ice on Mars/water on the moon because we are crapping up this planet pretty good.  So maybe I would like to add alternative planet to the wish list for the next decade just to be safe.

The world's greatest scientific minds
Failed to make a few important finds.
Since some key areas of study have been neglected
Perhaps their efforts should be redirected.

The Year of the Political Dog

My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.

-Gerold Solomon, US Congressman

This year was (primarily) the year of the Ox in the Chinese calendar but in American politics it was the year of the dog.  The Obamas adopted a Portuguese Water Dog named Bo.  I personally was a bit disappointed about this because they decided to get a pedigree dog rather than rescue one from a shelter.  Also it seemed sort of strange that our first mixed race president got all snooty about pedigree when it came to dogs after having to fend of the same kind of snootiness about his background.

For some reason, dogs were really opinionated about Obama.  The standout dog in this category is clearly Opie, whose owner taught him a very important lesson: it is more important to mooch off of your parents than your government.



This sort of trick is primarily taught by the same kind of unusual person who gives their dog carrots as treats.  Don't blame Opie though, also check out Annie below who is as opinionated as the average Sean Hannity fan.



Owners of politically active dogs
Finding a method of expression alternative to blogs.
With the time you wasted teaching your pet to be annoyed
I can only guess that you are not gainfully employed.

As It Turns Out, You Are Not "The Bomb"

So some guy tried to blow up a flight on Christmas using liquid bomb materials hidden in his underwear.  Seriously?  I am so confused about what these terrorists are trying to protest at this point, they need some serious rebranding.  (Oh, that's rich - use of our disgusting capitalist system to further their goals of taking down our disgusting capitalist system.)

Anyway, I understand that there is a vast cultural divide between most Americans and anti-American terrorists (think Americans are from Mars, terrorists are from some unnamed planet that orbits around a crumb in the Oreo shake that is an astrological map.)  In an effort to close this gap, I want to reach out to the [insert kind of clothing] bombers and give you this advice: if you want to be taken seriously maybe don't stuff TNT into your underoos.  Do you have any idea how funny we think the word explosive is when combined with parts that fit into underwear?  Clearly you don't.

Also, here in America we have a saying passed on from parents to children: always wear clean underwear.  This saying is generally used to warn children of the possibility that things may happen during the day that are outside the scope of their expectations.  But how did this guy did not expect that under any circumstances people would see his underwear?  Because I can't believe that you have all this knowledge to play with your little chemistry set but you can't mix up a little laundry bleach.

You can tell from the charring on the image that he tried to detonate, but something didn't go quite right.  Still, there is a pretty sizable hole you-know-where.  I would consider myself a fairly classy gal but I am almost physically unable to stop from typing jokes about that hole.  So I'll leave it at this message from me to the underwear bomber: it appears that you went from being a huge a-hole to having a huge a-hole.

I think that pretty much sums (bums?) it up.

The Nigerian would-be terrorist
Will certainly be quite pissed
When he sees all the American talk show jokes written with aplomb
Using the phrase explosive underwear bomb.

The Roots of All Evil

Ok, so this is apparently old news but The Roots are the house band on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon?  Uh...what?  Man that used to be a good band.  They were the kind of band that attracted people who liked bands.  Music lovers' musicians. 

And how they are a culturally updated Paul Shaffer...yikes.  So now they play the intro to Paris Hilton interviews?  There is nothing sacred in this world.

The previously awesome band The Roots
Is now licking Jimmy Fallon's boots.
They used to rock a beat and had fans quite devout.
But that was all before they decided to sell out.

Ho Ho Holiday Cheer

I am usually anti-union, but perhaps we do need to form a Santas union.  There is a serious discrepancy between some Santa's standards and others.  If you don't know what I mean, then I am guessing you live in Turkey.  Under a rock.

The red-suited Santa Claus
His beard is sometimes made of gauze.
He serves as some people's holiday muse
Except when he is dirty and downing booze.

I'm Plogging Matt Damon

I saw Invictus today and it was pretty good.  Two things helped make it pretty cool, first the eponymous poem Invictus is actually quite bad ass.  It is about staying inspired by stoic in the face of adversity.  It is the kind of thing you would read to yourself in a moment of silence before a big conflict.  Nelson Mandela read this to during his three decades in prison and gives a copy to the captain of an underdog rugby team before the World Cup.  The poet, William Earnest Henley, wrote it from a hospital bed after having his leg amputated.

Then again Timothy McVeigh also used it as his final statement before his execution for the Oklahoma City bombings.  And I just heard a bastardized version on a commercial for TCU's bowl game, so apparently you can crap on any kind of literature you want these days.

Here is the poem in case you are interested, but if you are a soulless monster without any appreciation for poetry then feel free to scroll down.

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Pretty bad ass, no?  Ok enough of that because good poetry is making my writing feel like a velvet Elvis next to framed Van Goghs.  Well the second reason is that Matt Damon took the role seriously and made himself look like a real rugby player.  So much that he should probably be described as "jacked."

Kind of makes me want to play Mad Libs.  Ok you pick a rugby verb and a rugby noun.  What?  No, you pick them 'cause I don't know any.  Ok insert here: I would let Matt Damon [rugby verb] by [rugby noun] any day!  Now who says collaborative writing doesn't work?

The delicious actor Matt Damon
Attractive to all breathing women or gay men.
Who knew what a Hollywood sensation he would become
When he was just a janitor making Ivy Leaguers look dumb.

David

I had a lot of fun last night with my sister, her fiance, and his brother.  We went to this party which is usually quite lame, but between the four of us we made it a good time.  I didn't even make fun of (professor) Charney's attire...much.

My future brother in law David Charney
Is about as tall as that dinosaur Barney.
In a sweater vest he'll help you do your taxes
While you're on the dance floor shaking your asses.

Cue the Balloons!!

Not long ago, I had my thousandth view of this page!!

I guess saying I had the thousandth view is a little like saying Jesus was born two thousand and nine years ago.  I think it's now widely recognized that he was born months and maybe years off of when we originally thought, and in much the same way I am probably not exactly at one thousand views.  See, I started the counter on this blog after I had already been posting for a little while.  Plus a bunch of those views are me checking post formats or seeing how many views I have.  But still, I choose to do as the Christmas celebrators do and just go with the flow.  You have to celebrate at some point right?

So...I have a thousand views!

In celebration I am giving a state of the union (plog) address with my new years resolutions for this blog.  Arrogant trumpet music please!

Forty score views and five months ago,  I had a dream.  Ever since then Eich bin ein Blogger.  And though the readers are few, we happy few, we band of brothers, they ask not what this blog can do for you, but ask what I am going to do for this blog.

By the way, if, in the comments section, you can name the five great speeches that I just butchered then you can win this genuine JFK air guitar (pictured below) as seen on Ebay, no seriously someone bought this.

Also, JFK = hint for two of the five speeches.  Yea, I know, I couldn't spoof five different public speakers but I went to public school so just be glad I didn't use the speech from Animal House.

So anyway, here are my "resolutions."

1) Redecorate blog.  Check!  I am using all that space on the sides now.  And I have been "feeling" the color gray lately.  Also I accidentally erased the blog title and explanation so that is new too.  If you love it please let me know!  If you don't like it please send me your feedback by using the subject line BLAH BLAH BLAH in an email to eff-off @ Get The Point Yet? OK Good.org.

2) Increase followers.  So if you know someone who likes blog reading, or just general office time wasting, feel free to send them my blog address.  Think of it as a birthday present since by birthday is exactly 2 months from today.  But if not you still have time to custom order me a Dallas Cowboys/snake print Snuggie with my name embroidered on it.

3) Encourage comments.  I like hearing people's response to my posts!  It doesn't matter how inane you think your comments might be, remember that I have blogged about canine bulemia, Spam, and fake eyelashes.  So just click on comment!  You can do it anonymously.  [See also: the contest above.  Hot Dog!  I am always scheming.]

And of course to continue ploging!

My one thousandth page viewer!
Some blogs have many readers, I have fewer.
Though there are many viewers whom I have sought
It's probably just my Mom viewing this blog a lot.

Netflix

Ok well I've been sick which is so annoying, but mostly because I get bored really easy.  One thing (perhaps the only thing) I have been enjoying is Netflix, God love 'em.  They have an option to watch instantly on line and it is the only thing that has kept me from going totally batty.

I have the two videos at a time so I can have one while one is on its way there or back and, trust me, it's the bees' knees.*  And I've just today gotten a disk for my PlayStation 3 so I can order freakin' movies directly to my TV - sa-weet!

To the glorious founder of Netflix
Whose two-at-a-time policy is helping dudes to get chicks.
Gather with friends to watch Troy's great sword battle
Then have the lady over for some Sleepless in Seattle.

* I'm not going to lie, I spent less time writing this post than I did pondering where the apostrophe goes on bee's/bees/bees' knees.  How many bees have these knees?  Talk amongst yourselves.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have been sick for days now.  Can't germs give a sista a break during her winter break?  When I was thinking snowy relaxation over my break I didn't image that snow would be from flakes of overused Kleenex stuck to my face and I didn't think that relaxation would be from NyQuil.

Also, I have some very violent sneezes.  Hiccups too sometimes, but the sneezes I am having during my bout with the sniffles have been extreme.  It's like they start at my soul and radiate outward like earthquake shockwaves.  Except that they don't always make it out to the surface so it just causes a tsunami.  A facial tsunami of itching. 

One of the world's biggest sneezes.
Comes or goes as it pleases
Tries to bust through my face like the Kool Aid Man*
Spreading germs around to whomever it can.

* In case you come from some sick and twisted place where kittens punch people and there is no Kool Aid, click here to see an example of the Kool Aid Man.  Oh Yea!

Jerry Seinfeld

I read on CNN.com* that Conan O'Brien is not living up to CBS's expectations and they are looking to replace him.  One of the people who they are considering is Jerry Seinfeld.  So I am taking a deep breath and preparing to take a hit I thought I could avoid: I do NOT like Jerry Seinfeld.  I don't think he is funny, I don't think his show was that funny, I don't find him charming, and I have no idea why anyone would be an adulterer with him.

All the characters on the show including Seinfeld were jerks and while some episodes were kind of funny (when Kramer and Jerry switch places) most were not (pretty much any other episode.)  And who leaves his wife for a younger woman when you look like him (or anyone) and doesn't even pretend to be contrite?  He has a big IOU out to karma.  I thought I could live the rest of my life not pointing out my distaste for Seinfeld professionally, personally, and comically but now that he might come back I couldn't hold back.

I heard Ellen was also a possibility so if Conan has to go I am voting for her.  She would never cheat on Portia.

The whiny comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
I can't believe how long his show held.
With a nose that was roundish but a voice that was flat.
His only comedy was asking "What's the deal with that?"

* Actually I read that on my (second) favorite blog wwtdd.com, I don't like to read CNN.com on accounta how much reading it takes.  Shoot man, this ain't a skool, show me in pikters!

You Have to be Folking Kidding Me

If you are a Cowboys fan, this is self explanatory.

Cowboys kicker Nick Folk
Whose 22-yarder is a joke.
Wade Phillips will be neither proper or prim
When he fires Folk for his unreliable limb.

Baby Origami

Have you ever seen a baby swaddled? Man, that is a real art.  If you do it right the baby is all cozy and wrapped up but not too constrained.  Of course if you don't then you will have one very unhappy baby. 

All of that careful folding reminded me of something else...

The glorious art of baby origami,
An important skill for every mommy.
Start with baby and blanket, then make all the right folds.
Though baby wriggles, the chrysalis holds.

Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Dream

I really could not go to sleep last night and it is so frustrating!  You know, that sleep when the clock keeps going and going and you are still awake and then you just get annoyed which puts you that much further from sleep?  That is what I was doing.

One of my childhood babysitters (among other jobs she did) would tell me at bedtime that I didn't have to go to sleep, I just had to close my eyes for 10 minutes.  She was obviously a genius.  I even tried that trick, when I don't open my eyes under any circumstances.  I lasted for an hour once, awake with my eyes open.  I feel sorry for blind people because that life must be terribly boring but I could not even bore myself to sleep.

What can a girl do?
 
In pursuit of the elusive Sandman.
He frustrates, as many a man can.
Imagining sheep, giving each a number
Hoping to slip into actual slumber.

Taggers

Here is a transcript of a discussion I had with my therapist recently* that demonstrates my inner conflict between the rule follower and the free spirit.

Therapist: And how do you feel about following rules?
Me: I think it's important to test the rules sometimes.
Therapist: Ok, give me an example of when you like to test the rules.
Me:  Um...one time I kept a Blockbuster video for a week.  It was a one day rental.
Therapist: Ok, and did you send it back?
Me: Yes, eventually.
Therapist: Did you pay the late charge?
Me: Well...yes.
Therapist: So do you consider that breaking the rules?
Me: Well, maybe not.  But one time I did spraypaint something on the side of a building.
Therapist: Did you?
[pause, with me staring at my nail beds.]
Me: Um....no, no I didn't.

[48 minutes of awkward silence follows.]

Seriously though, I want to be cool with graffiti and the "taggers" that draw it.  I understand that it is an urban expression of creativity and frustration with convention.  I was in Poland this summer and we went to the Road to Freedom Museum about the movement for European solidarity and learned that the underground rebels would use graffiti as means of expression because the government controlled all of the media.  That is kind of historic and cool!

But still, today you're just drawing on someone else's property.  And now there are a million ways to express your boring opinions (see: this entire blog).  And graffiti is destruction of property.  (Oh, I said that already?)  Well I apparently my need to follow the rules beats the dreadlocks off of my free spirit.  Nerd Alert!

Really, I would never draw on a building but here is my peace offering to all the "graffiti artists" out there.

The "tagger" who spray paint graffiti
Could be marking his territory or impressing his sweetie.
When he draws a smiley face that can't be erased
Can you honestly say the property has been defaced?

*Ok, I don't actually have a therapist right this moment but I obviously need one because of the fake conversations I have with myself.  In this conversation the therapist was played by imaginary me in a updo with glasses on.

Just Say No

Why is it so much easier to do something that you don't want to do than it is to NOT do something that you want to do.  This is particularly true for me because I am very willing to do something annoying/not fun/boring, particularly for another person, but I absolutely hate not doing something that I want to do.

On some level I think that an unquenchable drive to have what you want can become ambition and help fuel some great things.  But then again sometimes it just makes you eat too many yogurt covered pretzels.

[Full stomach groan.]

The unstable choice to abstain,
At any moment can become made in vain.
Because no matter how long you have not
Once you do the whole thing goes to pot.

Seth Meyers

Now that I have discussed several guys in a row that I think are cute, I think it is only fair for a total change of pace.  Today I will talk about someone who I do not think is cute.  At all.  Not in the way meaning attractive and particularly not in the way that means funny.  His only job is to write for the Weekend Update and I am totally unimpressed with the majority of his jokes.  Also he has this annoying deadpan look that says "you can tell by the humor that I have just made a joke, you don't need to see it on my face."   Yea, Seth, we do.

SNL writer Seth Meyers.
Not my favorite of Lorne Michaels' hires.
Giving us his deadpan stare.
But it doesn't work when the humor's not there.

The Best of Booth Worlds

If you'll remember a week or so ago I told you, two readers, who one of my two new celebrity crushes was.  I am going to reveal the second now [dramatic drum roll] Actor David Boreanaz.  He used to be on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off Angel, but now he plays Agent Booth on the show Bones.  I have recently started following Bones thanks to my friend Jess's mom Karen who has excellent taste in TV shows.

Side Note: if I wanted to tell you what my sisters and I got my dad for Hanukkah, this would be the safest place ever because I know for a fact he stopped reading at "Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off."  FYI, it's a book about gunfighters.

Anyway, back to my celebrity crush, he is adorable.  He was actually discovered when he was walking his dog.  That is how cute he is.  And he is supposedly pretty funny in real life too.  When his wife supposedly cut her mouth on food in a restaurant during a practical joke for the show Punk'd he was pretty dashing the way he stuck up for her.  He is actually a pretty decent actor too.  Really here's what you most need to know about him:  Dibs!  Enough said.

Bones' FBI agent played by David Boreanaz
Looks like his hair was styled by piranhas
I find his wit and chivalry attracting.
I don't even mind when he takes his shirt off instead of really acting.

Ed. Note: The primary reason it took this long to write this posting was it is very difficult to figure out how to properly pronounce Boreanaz and then to rhyme it.

Dr. Drew

I have been watching Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew.  This sounds like one of those fluff shows with staged emotions and conflicts but it really isn't.  First of all I love a reality show that is realistic.  So much of it is staged these days (The Hills, The Bachelor, fake scales on The Biggest Loser, I could go on...) but Dr. Drew's Rehab shows are very real.  Plus they actually serve a purpose: they show other people struggling with addictions how difficult the process can be, but that it works.

Also that Dr. Drew is a tall drink of water.  If I had problems I would be taking them directly there, do not pass go do not collect $200.  Admit me Dr. Drew!




The ever helpful Dr. Drew Pinksy.
Coming at your issues like a medical Ted Kaczynski.*
He always knows the right thing to say.
All that patient stress is probably why his hair is prematurely grey.

*Too soon?  Yea, I thought so.  But honestly, almost nothing rhymes with Pinsky.  Yea, I'm still a bad person, I know. [Hangs head in shame.]

Spiders and the Tangled Webs They Weave

Have you ever walked through a spider web? Maybe you were just strolling along, minding your own business when all of a sudden you feel that sticky tug somewhere on your body? It's pretty gross, I know, but just stick with me. (No pun intended.) Then after you have collided with the web, you can suddenly see all the little strands connecting you to thousands of different places. Usually there are so many that you wonder how you missed the web in the first place?

My mind works like a spider web. There is a web of thousands of strong, undetectable connections between thoughts and I frequently, unwittingly collide into it. The smell of stargazer lilies* reminds me of the carpet in my first apartment and a flower shop in New Orleans with dirty windows and a tile floor at some funeral home and things that are soft like petals and a really good backstretch. There is no logical reason why that smell would trigger the recall of half of those things but those spiders have diligently formed bonds between these ideas. They are shortcuts from somewhere mundane to nowhere special.

But every once in a while that nearly-invisible string will lead to somewhere with meaning. Somewhere very private because it is so tender with feeling that even when you want to share it, there is no way to make someone else feel exactly like you feel. Others can only take a mental picture of how you feel and label it "sad" or "angry" or "forgiveness" or "caution" and then maybe have their own private feeling about it which can later be connected with sticky silk to Tuesdays or your sweater or laugh lines or something stuck in between teeth.

Well here is a very private thought of mine: I am surprised by all the things that remind me of that little puppy that I lost.

I expected the quality of the thoughts (sad, helpless, frustrated) and their magnitude (not mild - I am an emotional person - but tempered by logic and memories of stronger sadnesses) but I am shocked by their quantity. At least twenty things a day remind me of him.

Those little spiders had been hard at work connecting him to lots of different thoughts. But as with a real spider web after you walk through it enough times it breaks, and then those busy little spinnerets get to work building new crossroads in the gaping hole. So I hope no one labels that thought I had as "sad" or "pathetic" or "over-sentimental" because I know it is somewhat temporary just like most sadness.

The spiders that live in my mind
Are diligent and unkind.
Taking me places that, make my heart ache.
But they do it too often and soon those bonds break.

*Which you may have learned I love if you read about my boyfriend orientation.