British Invasion

Ok so I could not help but notice that this country is being taken over.

No, I did not mean by immigrants (racist) or by aliens (weirdo) or by liberals (fat cat.)  I mean by British Actors disguised as Americans.  There are tons of shows I really enjoy, then I tune in to Dave Letterman or Jay Leno and hear the actor interview with a surprise accent.

Let's be vigilant about this people.  Their population is only a fifth of ours, can we not find an American actor to play an American character?  But seriously, take away any of the hot ones and I may get vicious.

British

Batman Christian Bale
Rob Pattinson from Twilight
Intuitive detective Simon Baker from the Mentalist
Too bad it was canceled, Damien Lewis from Life
Incredible shoulders Joseph Fiennes from FlashForwad
Surreal FBI show Fringe's Anna Torv*
House's Hugh Laurie

* She is actually Australian but it was a colony of Great Britain and let's face it, they are like the British but with worse Indian food and a greater penchant for playing pranks.

Let's Get High, English-Style

View from High Street in Oxford.

I am going to a high tea this afternoon. Thinking about the high tea and what differentiates it from a regular "cuppa tea," it occurs to me that the English like to formalize things for no apparent reason. One of their favorite ways of characterizing something formal is to add the word "high" to show that thing's superiority to other non-high (low?) versions of the same thing.*

I have written about our High Table dinners which require cocktail attire and a basic knowledge of how to use different forks. Being the oldest college at Oxford we are on the High Street, also known just as "The High."

While there is something to be learned from adding a sense of dignity to events as people often do here at Oxford, I think it's high time that I get back home for some beer and burgers.

High-ku:

Teas, streets, and tables.
Make it English by adding
"High" to everything.

*One notable exception to this policy is the Scottish Highlands - the English clearly find them inferior. Surprised? Didn't think so.

Hot Hand, Cold Hand

It took me a while to notice this, but the sinks here have two spouts, one for hot water and one for cold. This seems to be logical except that when you are washing your hands, you really have to pick a horse and ride it as far as water temperature goes.

Now the weather is not usually hot here, it's warm at best and you don't really want to be dunking your hands in cold water for 20-30 seconds. You sure as heck can't hold that up with the hot water. And according to the British health authorities, you can't really skimp on the time either because anything less will ensure a case of the swine flu.

So I have developed a system to turn on both spouts and rotate hands which, if I'm honest, it's not fool proof. It usually ends up in burning my left hand a little. So I guess I can add "comfortable handwashing" to the list of things I am looking forward to when I get back. And "no longer talking about the swine flu."

Haiku about English sinks:

Left hand burnt and the
Right hand growing icicles.
What happened to warm?

Mother Freakin' Bees!

[Editor's note: this is a long posting, but that can be explained by this: it is a rant, and I wasn't finished being annoyed until the fourth or fifth paragraph.]

Ok, I generally have no problem with bees. I have a long-tested policy of just chilling when they come along and letting them do their thing and then fly away. This policy is very logically based on two things a) the kid from Jerry Maguire who says that bees can smell fear, and b) the general knowledge that bees are the busiest animals on the planet so they don't waste time stinging people for no reason.

And my policy totally worked! There is a legal theory called a social contract and I like to think bees and I have a social contract: a kind of truce that forbids squashing or stinging and promotes general goodwill among the two species. Apparently that social contract is void in England.

First of all the bees here are much more aggressive. I was taking my picnic lunch to Christ Church meadows and a bee landed on me and would NOT go away. He was all over my shoulder and then he had the audacity to try and crawl up my shirt! It was like being at a frat party.

Second, I don't like to judge but since the gloves have come off, there are a lot more bees here than there are in the States. Not more flowers, mind you, just more bees. Any economist or businessman knows that same size job + more workers = more down time. This English bee work ethic negates reason B for my truce: too busy to sting.

These guys have all the leisure (here pronounced Leh-zhure) time in the world, as evidenced by the one who just spent 5 minutes making out with the juice bottle on my desk. He must like carrot and orange juice, because then he called in two friends. Really, I have to draw the line.

So I have this to say to the bees (in a three part haiku):

Truce is off unless
you mind your manners and don't
Come through my window.

Trespass will be seen
as an act of war, and I
will respond in kind.

I don't pick your plants
So stay off of my sweet stuff.
Let's restore the peace.

[Editor's note #2: I know that the bee population is dropping and there are ecological concerns about that, or that some may think it's unethical to wage a war against bees, but save your letters, PETA, I don't care.]

[Editor's note #3: Oh my Gosh how cool would it be if anyone from PETA ever read my blog?!? Not that PETA is so great but that would mean it was someone I didn't know so that would be pretty huge.]

English Cases

Reading English cases is like someone taking your brain into a dark alley and kicking the crap out of it. Nightly.

Here is the haiku for Saturday:

Reading English law,
Known words empty of meaning.
Honour extra u's.

Cheers!