Well Here's a Change...

I promised you changes and I guess the first one was silence!  That is a change for anyone who knows me, I am not usually silent about anything.  At any time.  Tongue biting is not my MO.

I have decided that September's poems will be a take on a child's poetry form: Alphabet poems.  So the first line will start with any particular letter, and sequential lines will follow the alphabet.  Not too challenging, I know, but hopefully fun.

All blogged out for a while
But I'm rebuilding my literary guile.

Citizens of the internet, used to my rants
Demanded my return with spirited chants:

"Enlighten us about the world!" as
Flags with my face were widely unfurled.

Grateful merchants making tons of cash
Hocking wares with my face printed on recycled trash.*

My face is on here, but that part isn't showing yet.

Ok actually four out of five dentists didn't give a rat's bikini bottom where I was, but I girl can dream, can't she?

* I am soooooo green.  Thank that sustainable bamboo floors and Priuses...Prii...hybrid cars!

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Blogging For This Announcement

Look people, I have some announcements to make.  First of all, I am no longer trying to blog daily.  It was causing some problems (namely that I would have to finish last week's blog entry before I could post the next four that are finished...also stress, lots of stress) and was making me post some crap just so I'd have something to post.

But all of you literary dung beetles don't fret, I will still be posting a lot (and therefore a lot of crap) so I'll try and maintain the status quo with an unnoticeable step down in production.  Also if you remember the point of this blog was to write frequently to polish my writing skills.  I'm not sure that my writing is exactly coated in turtle wax at this point, but blogging is a lot cheaper than than therapy so PJ is still productive for me.

Just thought I'd let you know.

It is time for some
Existential blog changes
Stay posted for more...

Hypo-crazy (A Poetic Jabber-Wonky Rant)

You know I like to take this blog on an occasional road trip to political-ville where I usually stop on opinion hill to have a nice picnic.  Well pack the car kids, we're going on a ride.

Normally, I like to represent many sides of a debate, ok or maybe not.  But either way, my blood is boiling about the group opposing the Islamic community center near Ground Zero.  They have a ridiculous name created from a string of words that have nothing to do with this effort (American Freedom Defense Initiative) but I refuse to use that name because it is insulting to my intelligence and it doesn't even have a good acronym.  Instead, I decided to string together my own sequence of random words to describe them: Righteous American Country Initiative and Salvation from Tyrrany Statesmen.  I quite like it.  For the sake of brevity I will just call them RACISTS.

I'll start off to say that I already disagree with the argument that putting the center there desecrates the memory of those who died on 9-11.  I think most of all that this argument shows a complete and total lack of understanding of who perpetrated the 9-11 attacks.  And maybe basic mathematics.

First: the people who masterminded and carried out the attacks do not represent all Muslims.  There are literally millions of Muslims in the United States.  American Muslims or Muslims in general are not the same as the 9-11 attackers.  Within those millions of American Muslims there may be a handful that sympathize or even join the attackers in ideology, but to let that infinitesimal percentage to represent your entire idea of mosque-going Muslims is preposterous.

It would be like saying all Christians wear too much makeup because of Tammy Faye Baker.  Or all dogs are vicious because of Cujo.  Or all actors deny the Holocaust and have anger management problems.  Are ya with me, people?

Second: The 9-11 attackers hated Americans because of the many freedoms that we have in this country thanks to our Constitution, many of which conflict with their strict way of life.  So let's exercise some of those freedoms by, ya know, letting some religion happen!

Then others argue "Look, I'm not unreasonable but building the mosque will upset some other folks who are unreasonable so it isn't worth the risk."  Since when do the reasonable people have to defer to the unreasonable people solely because of their inability to see reason?  How about this, we just build it and the unreasonable people have to deal with our reasonableness.

The thing that really set me off today though, was the anti-mosque movement's reaction to a decision on their transit advertising.  I'll try and sum up the facts but keep in mind this ain't a news paper and I am working on a staff of one extremely part-time person, an old laptop, and two dogs (neither of whom write very good copy.)  The anti-mosque people wanted to run this ad on New York city buses and subways.  The transit authority said no.  Then the anti-mosque people sued, saying their first amendment rights have been stomped on.  The transit authority reluctantly allows the ads. The anti-mosque people rejoice because the Constitution has prevailed to protect citizen's rights.

So if I was going to whiteboard this out:

First Amendment of the Constitution -> Freedom of Speech -> Government can't regulate my speech with a PFC (pretty freakin' compelling) reason

But also:

First Amendment of the Constitution -> Freedom of Religion -> Government can't regulate my exercise of religion without a PFC (pretty freakin' compelling) reason

So basically the one leg the anti-mosque people have to stand on for their pro-advertisements argument is the exact same leg they have been giving a Tonya Harding to in the anti-mosque argument.

To me that is beyond hypocrisy, it is hypo-CRAZY.

Building your tree house
In the exact tree you chop
For building lumber.

[Ed Note: a shout out to AVR for coming up with the idea of Poetic Jabber-wonky as a combination of Poetic Jabberwocky and the blog Wonkette which publishes edge political commentary.]

Adios Mexico!

The Mexico trip ended very nicely with a relaxing weekend with my sister and BIL (Bro in Law) including  some swimming in mind-blowing waters like this:

Going to crazy iguana/snake/crocodile/dog/bird zoos and holding adolescent crocs:

 

And enjoying insane sunsets like this:

 

But seriously, I hope that post-work happy hour you went to was fun, your doctor appointment went well, and your weekend of closet cleaning was productive.  Cause that's cool too.

Boredom with your life
Exacerbated by my
Amazing photos.

Where Have All The Bellboys Gone?

Our hotel/resort in Mexico is ridiculously nice.  Every single person who works here says hello and helps you no matter what kind of problem you have.  No one would conceive of saying "that is not my department" or even "try the guy over there, he can help you."  Ever employee of this hotel takes ownership of our comfort and satisfaction.

I hate to bring this sentiment down but we just don't have that in the US anymore.  Everyone, even customer service reps and concierges demand respect rather than earning it.  I think the perfect system is always treat everyone with respect but to expect to earn your respect from others.  But many Americans don't use this system anymore, they walk around in a bubble of rights.  Rights to be served, treated a certain way, right to be first or most.  Some rights though, are not born with you like your hair color or first name.  They are earned.  Like muscular abs.

Either way, I am enjoying a break from American me-ism.  Or maybe it's just that this is how the rich people live.  That I haven't earned the right to know, not yet anyway.

Exacting standards
In serving clients...it's so
Unamerican.

Isla Mujeres

Today we took a ferry to Isla Mujeres which is a lovely little island that was approximately the temperature of the sun today.  Mas or menos.

We rented a golf cart and took off at the speed of wind (a very slow wind that barely rustles leaves) around the island.  Isla Mujeres is small and luckily we did not run out of gas or electricity or cow manure, whatever it was that made that cart go.  I thought about the kind of people who retire to places like this.  There was nothing there to bother you, but then again there was no place to buy comfortable underwear or decent groceries either.  It is a different lifestyle than I have ever experienced and it intrigued me.

We made it all the way to Punta Sur (or the Southern Point for you non-Spanish speakers) and there was a really nice sculpture garden with amazing views of the ocean.  Here's a taste:

Then we got back on our semi-trusty golf cart and made our way back.  We decided to walk around a little big and found this very out of the way little cafe where we stopped for a late lunch.

I had tacos and a pina colada and in addition to an enchilada, Jennifer consumed one of these puppies:

We pondered snorkeling before we left, but Jen proclaimed "a few more sips of this margarita and we can snorkel in the pool and I'll still see all kinds of cool fish."  So we came back across on the ferry and now we're resting up for a big day of Mayan ruins tomorrow.


Excruciating
How we missed the golf cart's breeze
Standing by the sea

GONE TO...

...Here

No joke, I took that picture from our hotel.  That is a what sunset looks like where I am, no hallucinogenics required.

Here is our room, it's the one with the light on.  Kind of like a Motel 6 except a tragillion times nicer and we will NOT actually keep the light on for you.  Come on man, I need my beauty sleep.

You may be thinking "Sha, but what when you leave the property?  Will it still be as nice as all that?"  And I tell you dear friend, I do not know since I have not yet had reason to leave.  Zing!

Also, this month's poetry type will be haiku containing a word that contains "ex" or the letter X to celebrate some time in mEXico.  Just think of it as "This month's poetry, brought you to by the letter X."

Dreams in Mexico
Still about the bar exam
but with sunburn pain.

I DID IT!

I passed finishing the bar exam!  That is how I am going to look at it.  Some people fail at finishing but I finished so I passed at finishing the bar exam.  Now I must wait months to find out if I passed the actual bar exam.  Oh joy.

Good news though:  I am going to spend a week of that 3.5ish months in Mexico relaxing.  Take that world!

Maggot Study Break

Hi!

Ok, bejeebles, don't look at me like that.  I took one break to surf the net.  An hour ago.  But who is counting?

But I post because I wish I was this funny...  Please note this is a total reversal of my earlier opinions of this fellow's* writing.  Well not a total reversal, maybe he should stick to writing about actual maggot crap instead of using ridiculous phrases like maggot crap to refer to local politicians.

Ok I'm going back to torts and suits now.  Stop judging.

*Notice how I say "this fellow" because he probably Googles himself.  I'm so internet savvy.  Now I just hope he can't figure out who is linking to his blog entries.

Toyot-oh-no-you-didn't

Who the eff works in Toyota marketing?

I am a little behind the times but did you know that Toyota changed their motto to "moving forward" sometime before today but after they started having problems with their brakes.  As in, drivers could not stop their Toyota vehicles from moving forward.

I have thought up a few more award-winning slogans
BP: We're operating in the black, and now you are too!
Ford Pinto: Try riding in one, it's a blast!
AOL Dial up: You'll spend all your time on our internet service!
Asbestos: Our insulation keeps out the highway's death prattle.
Pixy Stix: We wouldn't let a juvenile diet beat us. (Diat-bet-es...anyone?)

Red Rider BB Gun: Our safety control has crossed their Ts and dotted their eye.

Now to cap it all off, here is an outstanding piece of invisible poetry:






Ha!  Now, wasn't that fantastic?

Movies and Dreams

In passing today, I saw a preview for some really crappy movie (I already don't remember which one) and the said something like "The most sexy fun you will have all summer!" and I thought to myself, that is probably true.

How sad is this story?  I had a dream the other night that I was competing in a Miss America-like competition and the announcer accused me of really being a man.  The whole audience was laughing at me.  I was there on the stage, the recipient of everyone's mockery and disgust and I was perfectly happy.  Because I was running through the elements of defamation and invasion of privacy thinking what a wonderful case I had.

Nothing can help me now.

July is Stress Month!

This month I am studying for the bar exam so the theme is....drum roll please...invisible poetry!  That's right folks, it's not like I'm punking out and not writing poetry, it's just that you can't see it.

In fact, I've been blogging daily since July 1st, can't you see it?  The emperor DOES have clothes on, dangit!

Sincerely,
Your favorite stressball.

Funny Legal Phrases Update

[Post for Monday, June 16th]

I have an extremely immature update to the posting about my favorite legal terms that are not as funny as they sound.  One of the awful things about Barbri is that you have to learn classes in several hours that you had never taken in law school.  One of the wonderful things is that you are exposed to all different kinds of the law.  One of the better things about about the wonderful things is that I have expanded my knowledge of funny legal phrases.  And I have one to add.

Dry Hole Provision: this has nothing to do with premarital agreements, in case you were wondering.  (Gross, I know!)  A dry hole provision is an oil and gas term that means if a lessor drills for oil and blah blah blah blah DRY HOLE!  Enough said.

Dry hole.   A way out that works like a fire exit you are so glad you built.  Like decoy a phone call to get you out of a bad date. 

Free Financial Advice

[Entry for Monday, June 7]

Look, I am not trying to depress the crap out of you but here is how much your investing strategy sucks: you should have invested in forever stamps.

Facts:

In April 2007, you could have bought one share of Google stock instead for about $458 (not including fees or minimum purchases).  That share would be worth $485 today.  That is a rate of return of about 6% (total, I'm not calculating the annualized rate of return for here you folks.  I do have somewhat of a life.).

Heck, you could have purchased one single share of Berkshire Hathaway for $108,000 in April 2007 and on May 18th it would be worth $113,300.  That is a return of a little less than 5% and that is saying something  because I think Warren Buffett is a effing financial genius.

"Oh my dear," you may say in a patronizing tone while adjusting your monocle "I invest solely in real estate."  Yea, well do you know of any of the properties you own give a higher return than those stocks, net of tax, repair, maintenance and administration costs?  I doubt it.  It turns out you are a little more Mr. Peanut and a little less Mr. Monopoly.

Here is where you are really going to start kicking yourself: in April 2007, you could have purchased 100 forever stamps for $37.  Today those stamps would be worth $44.  That is a rate of return of 19%.

So if you really want to beat up on your financial adviser (not that this market hasn't done that enough) you should call and discuss these figures with him or her.  In the meantime I propose this new marketing slogan for forever stamps:

Forever stamps.  
Like the Statute of Liberty's head found on a beach in a foreign monkey world.  As stubborn as Mayan ruins that will never fall.  As solid as the foundation in the buildings you own is not.
Forever.  Stamps.

My Favorite Legal Terms That Sound Funnier Than They Are

[Entry for Sunday, June 6]

I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy, and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.

-Chief Justice William Rehnquist

I am studying for the bar exam now, and so I am going to be writing about more legal things.  Just live with it.  Today I'm writing about my six favorite legal terms that sound like something funny.  Get that drum set ready for some rim shots!

Pro bono
Actual Legal meaning: to work for the public good rather than for profit or personal interest.
I don't think I have to explain why this particular Latin term provokes giggles.  And it's super flexible, you can use it in at least two different ways.  One: Why do you think Craig is charging that hot blonde for her divorce?  I think he has taken that case pro bono if you know what I mean.   Two: I took the case defending the pornographic theater because I'm 100% pro bono.  Either way, good times.

Hung Jury 
Actual legal meaning: A jury that cannot reach a verdict by the required voting margin.
Possible misapplication would go "Did you see that group of twelve Chip n' Dale guys at Julie's bachelorette party?  [I think you see where I am going with this...]"

Preexisting duty
Actual legal meaning:  A duty that one party has to another party that arose in the past.  For example, Joe hires Mike to mow his lawn next week for $50.  Joe pays Mike the $50.  Before Mike mows the lawn he asks Joe for another $10 and Joe refuses.  Mike still has to mow the lawn because he has a preexisting duty.
Another note about preexisting duty, this is why my roommate and I call it when Ty, the puppy, leaves us a smelly little gift and we don't find it until later.

Penal Anything
Penal is a word used to describe anything that pertains to punishment for a crime.  I don't think I have to explain why this is funny.  It works to create double entendre with pretty much any phrase.  Penal transportation (the job of a jock strap?), penal populism (very low in lesbian communities), penal colonies (wonder why they declared independence?), penal code (similar to the bro code?).  I could go on and on and on.*

Attractive Nuisance
Of all the phrases I have learned in law school, this is the one I have made the focus of the most jokes.  If you don't know at least seventeen people who could be classified as attractive nuisances, then you aren't hanging out at the right clubs/bars/grocery stores/dating websites.
For the record, an attractive nuisance is a dangerous condition on land that may attract children and then injure them.  Much more boring than what you were imagining.

Attenuated taint
This is, by a large margin, my favorite legal phrase that sounds gross.  Taint has its the regular literal meaning, the trace of something bad.  Taint is often used in terms of bad things done that make a search illegal.  For instance, if a police officer searches a house without consent, a search warrant, or probable cause, the search is tainted.  However, when the tainted activity is done so far back in a long chain of events, the taint is said to be attenuated and sometimes doesn't not make the product of search illegal.
Now, there is also another meaning for taint that you are more likely to find in urban dictionary than Webster's dictionary.  Because of this my seventh grade mind could not keep quiet.
I had a criminal procedure professor who said attenuated taint so many times that I had to excuse myself from the the classroom.  In my defense, I sat in the front row and he had a hand motion of drawing something out that went along with the phrase.


Like a volcano of laughter waiting to explode.
In a courtroom that is solemn as a funeral.
One giggle leaks out, like a drop of water falling from the bathroom faucet long after the house is empty.

* Thanks to my extreme immaturity

Joyce-T (Just?) When You Thought Baseball Was Boring

I forgot when I had a massage booked the other day.  I was cleaning the house and just didn't go.  I was so bummed since I had been gearing up for that massage for a week.  The worst part was that I had a gift certificate but reserved the spot on my credit card so I had to pay for a phantom massage I wasn't even planning on paying for in the first place.  That I didn't even get.  How very annoyed I was about my mistake.

A big thank you to Jim Joyce who reminded me how big a screw up can really be.  The poor umpire made what was apparently a terrible call (I didn't see it) which prevented Armando Gallaraga from going down in the record books as one of only a couple dozen perfect game. 

The notable thing about this whole debacle was that the umpire, Jim Joyce, immediately and totally admitted his error and apologized.  I love that!  No one apologizes anymore.  Thanks to lawyers, PR officers, mothers-in-law, and various other bossy times, no one is free to apologize openly anymore.  I love that this dude just came out and said he botched the call and the consequence of that was Gallaraga missing out on his perfect game.  He didn't make any excuses, just said he it was the most important call of his career and he got it wrong.

I find that so refreshing!


Like a bell that can't be unsounded.
One moment can seem like a huge whale swallowing you again every time you turn on SportsCenter.
Really puts into perspective those small mistakes which are much more like guppies in the ocean.

Ty-me To Learn!

Is there anything more annoying than house training an obstinate puppy? My puppy Tayau has grown into a some kind of freak urine factory.  If only we could use this technology to produce energy, a majority of the world's problems would be remedied.

The thing is, Ty is no longer the cute little puppy who piddles. Now he pees. He pees on my roommate's rug, or the living room rug, on the kitchen floor, and yesterday in a misguided attempt in the guest bathroom.  If this continues it will soon have to be classified as piss which is a word I generally don't use.  But I feel it conveys the correct amount of animosity.

I am just happy when he stands still. The "walking pee" is both difficult to spot and tedious to clean up.  My back has a semi-permanent curve in it from cowering over the floor with a rag and a bottle of Nature's Miracle (whose primary miracle is the severe increase in sales since March.)

The good news is that he has learned how to give you his paw, or shake.  So at least he can ruin my hardwood floors like a gentleman now. 

Before Ty, my friends would call me the dog whisperer. Now I have morphed into the dog screamer.

Little puppy. 
Leaking like a gulf coast oil rig. 
As sneaky as neighborhood kids who run up to your doorstep and light a bag of feces on fire, but less funny. 
Cute as a button, like a really adorable button that you might find on a baby's sweater. 
But sometimes debatably not worth the trouble, like pantyhose.

Uncle Fred

Several days ago was my Uncle Fred's birthday.  Just a note about my Uncle Fred, he is just plain lovely.  If everyone ever agreed on the correct way to spell certain laughs (Ah ha ha! or Ahaha!, the debate continues) then those words could finally be included in the dictionary, and several of them would say See Fred Time.

I had lunch with him last week and, as usual, he was a pleasure to be around.  One of my favorite things about him is when someone helps him out, a clerk at the courthouse or a waiter at a restaurant he is generous enough to tell them "Good job.  Go ahead, take the rest of the day off."  Any old shmuck can give his employees the day off but Uncle Fred gives other people's employees the day off.  Now that is a good man.

Here is a very happy birthday poem for Uncle Fred:

Fred
Treats his bike like the Proud Mary, whose big wheels seldom stopped.
Always there to say a nice word, like a fortune cookie.
Eternally as happy as a trucker who just won three grand in the lottery.
And as kind as the neighbor's dog who decides to poop in the yard next door.
Supporting you for every hour of the day you are awake like a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra.
Always seeing the good side of things, like Oprah's front windshield.
And as deeply loved as government holidays.

DO NOT PANIC! It Will Only Attract the Worm.

Look, I don't mean to alarm you but I'm pretty sure we are all about to be eaten by a huge space worm.

You may not have heard about this because the international space worm lobby (ISWL) has been spending lots of cash keeping it under wraps but the entire planet of Jupiter is currently missing a gas ring. The hard working ISWL must have also had the name "gas rings" changed to "cloud stripes" presumably to avoid flatulence jokes and make it seem more innocuously Martha Stewart-y.  Anyway, gas rings or cloud stripes do not get up and move themselves.  Live space animals do.

I admit that the extent of my astrological knowledge is derived from third grade when we had to make a model of the planets using Styrofoam, wire, and markers but I can tell you Jupiter is pretty freakin big.  There are all kinds of statistics on the size of Jupiter (and its rings) in comparison to Earth but let me graphically boil it down for you:

In this widely-used diagram, the dog is Earth and the lady is Jupiter.

In third grade astrology we also did not cover why a planet's gas rings would just disappear.  Originally I thought this was omitted from the curriculum for the usual reasons (Have you heard?  In Texas social studies, history, and science are "discovered" via School Board vote) but I was wrong.  I just read that no scientist today has any idea why the ring would disappear. There are NO WORKING THEORIES ON THIS!  If there is one thing scientists like to do it is create unprovable theories and discuss them over nerd coffee.  But no one dares wax philosophical about the obvious reason for these rings disappearance (space worm has moved.)

"Oh, come on now, everyone calm down and take off those ridiculous tin foil hats!"  I picture scientists saying.*  "This has happened before and it is no big deal."  No biggie?  Tell that to Pluto!  Yea, don't think I forgot about that little gem of a story, space scientists!  All of a sudden Pluto is not big enough to be a planet?  Yea, 'cause a huge space worm took a bite out of it!

I don't know about you but there are only several people I trust to tell me about what is going on in the world of nature and astronomy and if you take a cue from them, it isn't looking so good.

1. Al Gore, expert on why weird things are happening with the world: Separating from wife who supported him through presidential victory in name only followed by weight gain and creeper beard.  Why would he leave her?  Classic end of world behavior!
2. Carl Sagan, expert on the billions and billions of stars in the cosmos:  Viewed his last planet in 1996 when he went to that big cosmos in the sky (is that confusing?) probably to check out of Earth before being consumed by space worm.
3. Captain Kirk, knows the cosmos like the back of many alien women's kissed hands: Starring in TV show based on facebook page which is based on a Twitter account about some guy's dad.  Classic "will not have to answer for this later" behavior!

I don't really know what to tell you to do except call your insurance company and add space worm coverage to your policy.  Then go ahead and pop open that bottle of Dom you were saving for your husband's promotion.  The only upward movement he will be a part of has to do with the intestines of a worm.**

Space worms.
Forced to leave home to find food or starve like a law student during exams.
With stomach growls like earthquakes shaking the foundation of our world.

Taking another look at our world which is less green and more toasty than before, like fried okra.
Licking its lips and preparing to strike before reassuming its position around Jupiter as hula hoop would circle an obese schoolkid.

* Seriously, you look ridiculous, take it off.
** So gross, I know.

Happy June Everyone!!

June's literary device is the simile! Simile is defined as a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, as in “she is like a rose.”  I am going to enjoy this month because many similes use the word "like" which I believe is generally overused today (by many people, myself included) so I am going to use this month to cleanse my writing of all incorrect uses of like by carefully examine blog entries, like a mother carefully checking her child's hair for lice.  See how lovely this can be?

[Ed. Note: The image above was located via google images and taken from a blog that took the image from somewhere else via google images.  Ah the electronic circle of life!  You should check out the blogger's entry on simile which has some outstanding examples of terrible simile as above.]

Simile.
A more clearly indicated metaphor, like a neon sign hanging above a hole in the wall bar.
Making it clear from the onset that, as in a car's side mirror, things may not be as they appear.
Allowing Burns to tell us his love "is like a red, red rose."
While your love, Bon Jovi explains, is like bad medicine.