Paul

This one is for my friend Paul, from Con Law class.  I literally just whipped this one up in 20 minutes as we discussed Planned Parenthood v. Casey.  Paul, now you have to read my blog more often.  Who knows when I'll talk about you again.

There once was a student named Paul
Who'd rather be with his kids at the mall.
He spoke in conjectures
'Cause he ignored the lectures.
But he'll graduate soon, after all.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentines Day everyone!  Often I feel uncomfortable telling people this because some people are very sensitive about the celebration of Valentine's Day.  As far as I can tell, these people fall in to two categories: those who are single and dislike Valentine's day because is either useless or painful, and those who condemn Valentine's Day since it is a "holiday" created by business to stimulate business in a slow month.  Either way, I don't want to be lectured by either of these people so I usually keep my Valentine's Day wishes to myself, in spite of my excitement over the availability of Necco conversation hearts.

And I am writing today's limerick for those people to the rest of us, as an offering of peace.

To those who celebrate Valentine's Day
With a meal, a nice card, or bouquet,
Be aware there are those
Who decide to oppose
And reject what they think is cliche.

Why You Don't Stick Your Toe Where it Doesn't Belong

I am plogging virtually edit-free these days.  That is just how I like to roll recently.  (Hence very little commentary.)  I'm also trying to post more often rather than writing and saving, then editing all together.  So overall there is less editing for form or content so I apologize if I have offended any of the South Koreans.

But I hope you're watching the Olympics.  'Nuff said.  Well, one more thing, you should know this: the Koreans think he is a jerk.  I don't know why, but I find that interesting.

[Photo copied and pasted, hopefully not angering Chang W. Lee of the New York Times.]

U.S skater Apolo Ohno,
Whose last name became so apropos
When two Korean skaters
Who may now be traitors
Lost medals based on a misplaced toe.

Robert

My sister Mollie's husband Robert is also a hoot.  Sadly, his car died today.  This is particularly onerous because his songwriting career has not yet taken off.  It will one day though, mark my word.  You will see all the best dirty country singers belting out tunes written by Robert B.  I hope they also choose to call him Ro-bear as I do, cause that makes the crude lyrics funnier.

He sings a great song about how he met his girlfriend (mostly fictional) but my favorite is about the girlfriend with one arm (fictional).  She hugged him the best she could, if I remember correctly.

There once was a guy named Ro-bear.
Who pulled song lyrics out of thin air.
Sang 'bout how he charmed
A girl who'd been dis-armed
Strumming right through his wife's steely glare.

Mollie

Since I am doing the family thing, I thought I'd put together a little something about my sister Mollie.  She is the youngest (and acts like it).  Sadly, she is the funniest of the family (jealousy!) but she doesn't get out of the house too much so I have managed to mostly keep that under wraps.

Both of my sisters and I take an annual trip somewhere together and Mollie plays an important part in that trip.  She treks around Europe and Asia (OK, the Asian side of Istanbul) in her Texas Tech shirts asking everyone directions in English.  This is so annoying the first day but as time goes on you really just need to put down your back pack and it grows infinitely more tolerable. Thank goodness someone will ask directions for you and allow you to show disapproval of her English by making mildly disgusted looks while standing behind her.  She usually doesn't even get angry.

Then again, you have to deal with her most sinister side.  If you ever come across a modern-day evil mastermind, he or she was probably an apprentice to my sister Mollie.  One year she bought herself a t-shirt that said "Mom's Favorite" and held on to it for four months.  Four months this plan lie in wait!  She kept the shirt that long so that she could casually throw it on as pajamas in front of me and pretend that our mom had bought it for her and that she assumed all three sisters received one.  She just casually said "Oh I feel so bad about not wearing this since mom gave them to us, I'm glad I'm getting a chance to wear it now."  You may be thinking, I guess that is smart of her...but evil genius?  Come on!  Well I tell you, friend, she waited until the sixth night of the trip, as though it was her last clean sleep shirt.  She sat on that gig for months and then was totally fine holding it for another week.  Evil!

Well Molls has finally booked a honeymoon (she and her husband were married in July.)  They are going to Singapore and Bali.  I am so jealous, but not as much of Mollie as I am of her husband Robert who will get to witness Mollie's attempted communication skills in a whole new part of the world.  I hope he takes video.

There once was a traveler named Mollie
Who will never be fluent in Bengali
Spends her time overseas
Yelling "C-A-N Y-O-U H-E-L-P M-E?"s
Next she's taking her Tech shirts to Bali.

Father Figure

Now that I have written about my mom, I thought I'd share a little bit about my dad.  If you have learned anything about me, then already know a little about my dad - we are pretty much alike.  Of course he is much more accomplished than I am in many ways.  He is an excellent trial lawyer, very good story teller, he's pretty funny if you aren't easily offended and he makes a helluva steak.  But I have much better fashion sense.

I think that if you do the right thing with your life, you look at what your parents did right and you copy it, make improvements on what you don't like, and end up a better person.  I am lucky enough to have a very difficult job in that task.

There once was a fellow named Marc
Whose dog had a very strange bark.
He seldom told a joke
That didn't end in a poke.
He'll win lawsuits with one sharp remark.

If You Use Morse Code, You May Be Dash Dot Dot Dot Dash Dash Dot Dot Dot (Nuts)

Why does everyone on television know Morse Code?  Once a month I am watching some show and someone says "Wait, that is Morse Code!"

First, in which subject do children learn Morse Code?  Some public school graduates today can't even speak one language well, much less use any system that will allow them to communicate with submarines.  For military people, I suppose that is totally different and Morse Code may be a class.  But if it is, maybe we can transfer some of that military classroom funding into buying socks for soldiers.  Or armor.  Just a few ideas I had.

Second, how would someone remember Morse Code?  If you don't use it regularly there is no way you are going to remember that stuff, no matter how elementary you may have found it at one point.  I don't think I'm being cynical, if you remembered grade school geography better then there would be no premise for Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

Last, and most importantly, how on earth can you recognize Morse Code?  I will give you a pass if you are on a boat and you are recognizing SOS (dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot).  But under any other circumstance I don't believe anyone recognizes these random noises as communication.  Even if you did recognize it, no one would listen to you.  Why? Because you would have been hearing communication in everything from woodpeckers to wind to foot tappers in the subway to radio static and you are the boy who cries Morse.  And you might live on a bench.  And you may be a little crazy.

To the nerd who knows Morse Code
Your social life is clearly slowed.
Did you serve in the Navy?
Cause if so, you're gravy
Otherwise you should switch from geek mode.

Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Them Saints?

Now THAT was a game!  Or so I hear, I was forced to succumb to a Benadryl coma in the second half, but I did watch the end today on tivo.  What, don't look at me like that.  It was a medical emergency, trust me I wouldn't miss the only Superbowl any team I support will be participating in anytime this decade.

[Stares angrily towards Cowboy Stadium.]

A huge "Congrats!" go out to the Saints.
You won't even hear my complaints
'Bout bandwagon fans that
Keep asking "Who Dat?"
They held Peyton as though with restraints.

Ed Note: Grammatically speaking, I know the word "that" should be "who" but who doesn't rhyme and I was kind of embracing the whole "New Orleans" grammar theme.  Who Dat!

Mahjong

I had one of those awesome days yesterday.  There were many food celebrations (lunch and dinner) for my mom's birthday, I found a pair of jeans on sale that look good on me, and my family and friends were extra adorable.

I hope my mom had as good of a day, and I think she did.  I love that she has friends just like her (sweet, fun, funny) and I love that they hang out with each other.  The get together for lunches, help each other out with family obligations, and sometimes they play Mahjong.  Those days, you can't interrupt them; they chat, share stuff, and man do they laugh.  I call it the sorority meeting.

I hope to one day have long time friends like that.

To the loquacious ladies who lunch,
Playing mahjong in a credit crunch.
Who cares about sub primes
When you've won back your dimes?
Laughing like someone has spiked their punch.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday!  If you don't know my mom, Ann, there is no way I can describe her to you.  Here is just a very general idea: take a moment and think of the nicest person you know.  Got it?  Ok good.  Well, compared to my mom, that person is Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada.

Now recall the best food you have had all year.  A meal that tasted so ridiculously good that you made intimate noises at the table.  Yea, well that food is like what cardboard poops out compared to my mom's cooking.

Now think of the most thoughtful thing someone has ever done for you.  The kind of thing that once it was done, you thought "How did you know?"  Well that gesture was like sneezing in someone's face compared to what my mom does on pretty much a daily basis.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.  She is the best!

I love you Mom. Happy Birthday!!

There once was a lady named Ann
Who was great with a pot and a pan.
She'll do you a favor
Cause she's a life saver
As she leaves you can see her cute can.

Update: Click on this post's comments and see what my dad has to say - so adorable!

From Our Friends in the Grand Old Party

I am really focusing on the politics lately.  It's a good move in a effort to be the next wonkette.  She is a pretty cool blogger, I guess.  But let's just say she doesn't do poetry so...point Poetic Jabberwocky.

Today's limerick is what I picture a bunch of robed Republicans chanting as they add ingredients to a smoking cauldron.  Eye of Newt Gingrich, balls of (Michael) Steele,  heart of health care.  First they say:

Double double, create trouble.
Liars burn and tempers bubble.*

Then they all drink the Kool-Aid and chant together in perfect union:

Let's distract with newsworthy dramas
And argue 'bout where to put commas
In bills we'll never pass
In a move to harass
And try to dethrone the Obamas.

To all you Republicans out there, you heard me!  It's a challenge.  Try and do something to benefit all the members of your constituency (the human ones, not just the corporations) rather than just toting the party line.  I know you have real feelings behind that mask, let it out!

* It's paraphrased Shakespeare, people.  Macbeth, to be specific.  You should check it out sometime.

Keep it Optimistic

Well we may never get partisan cooperation on anything ever again.  And we may be killing the earth one aerosol can at a time, and you can't afford to eat anywhere nicer than Wendy's but in times like these it is important to focus on this dark cloud's bright lining.

Keep it positive.  Chin up.  A smile a day keeps the doctor away, and all that jazz.

Playing stocks you somehow lost your ass.
Global warming is killing your grass.
Though cheaper health care's bull
See the glass as half full:
No more gripes about the price of gas.

Public Service Announcement

I didn't write this about anyone in particular, I was just trying to think of a limerick-appropriate topic.  But please feel free to send this post openly or anonymously to anyone you know who might need a hint.

If you were forwarded this and have never read my blog before, well, have a seat because we need to chat.

I may suffer mild from psychosis
But here's your layman's diagnosis
Cause each time you exhale
My knees buckle and fail.
I believe it's called halitosis.

Scott Brown

Scott Brown is the talk of the Hill these days!  His election has effectively killed health care reform for the time being, but how will he vote on other major issues?  Only time will tell, but I think Second Amendment supporters can relax.  I doubt he'll be going after your guns any time soon; if anything I peg him as a hunter of sorts.

Or that could just be his bearskin-like happy trail influencing me.


When Scott Brown starts using all his charms
You need not sound the policy alarms
He's killed with authority
The super majority
And exercised his right to bare arms.

Limerick February

Ok I am taking the plunge and plogging in limerick this month.  I am absolutely terrified of this because limericks are really effing hard to write.  But anonymous reader who prodded me, you win.

Here are the rules of the limerick:
- Five Lines
- Rhyme scheme AABBA
- The first, second, and fifth line have three feet of three beats each
- The third and fourth lines have two feet of three beats each

I'm going to try to stick with those last two, but I may be a beat or so off.  This is going to be ridiculously difficult, so give me a break, please.  And there is some added nonsense about the emphasis in each foot of rhythm.  But if think I'm following that then please know I am no Shakespeare.

Plogging in limerick will be quite hard
I'm nothing like a modern day Bard.
But this 'blogger beater'
Is to please a reader
I'm hoping it won't leave me too scarred.