Just Say No

Why is it so much easier to do something that you don't want to do than it is to NOT do something that you want to do.  This is particularly true for me because I am very willing to do something annoying/not fun/boring, particularly for another person, but I absolutely hate not doing something that I want to do.

On some level I think that an unquenchable drive to have what you want can become ambition and help fuel some great things.  But then again sometimes it just makes you eat too many yogurt covered pretzels.

[Full stomach groan.]

The unstable choice to abstain,
At any moment can become made in vain.
Because no matter how long you have not
Once you do the whole thing goes to pot.

Seth Meyers

Now that I have discussed several guys in a row that I think are cute, I think it is only fair for a total change of pace.  Today I will talk about someone who I do not think is cute.  At all.  Not in the way meaning attractive and particularly not in the way that means funny.  His only job is to write for the Weekend Update and I am totally unimpressed with the majority of his jokes.  Also he has this annoying deadpan look that says "you can tell by the humor that I have just made a joke, you don't need to see it on my face."   Yea, Seth, we do.

SNL writer Seth Meyers.
Not my favorite of Lorne Michaels' hires.
Giving us his deadpan stare.
But it doesn't work when the humor's not there.

The Best of Booth Worlds

If you'll remember a week or so ago I told you, two readers, who one of my two new celebrity crushes was.  I am going to reveal the second now [dramatic drum roll] Actor David Boreanaz.  He used to be on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off Angel, but now he plays Agent Booth on the show Bones.  I have recently started following Bones thanks to my friend Jess's mom Karen who has excellent taste in TV shows.

Side Note: if I wanted to tell you what my sisters and I got my dad for Hanukkah, this would be the safest place ever because I know for a fact he stopped reading at "Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off."  FYI, it's a book about gunfighters.

Anyway, back to my celebrity crush, he is adorable.  He was actually discovered when he was walking his dog.  That is how cute he is.  And he is supposedly pretty funny in real life too.  When his wife supposedly cut her mouth on food in a restaurant during a practical joke for the show Punk'd he was pretty dashing the way he stuck up for her.  He is actually a pretty decent actor too.  Really here's what you most need to know about him:  Dibs!  Enough said.

Bones' FBI agent played by David Boreanaz
Looks like his hair was styled by piranhas
I find his wit and chivalry attracting.
I don't even mind when he takes his shirt off instead of really acting.

Ed. Note: The primary reason it took this long to write this posting was it is very difficult to figure out how to properly pronounce Boreanaz and then to rhyme it.

Dr. Drew

I have been watching Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew.  This sounds like one of those fluff shows with staged emotions and conflicts but it really isn't.  First of all I love a reality show that is realistic.  So much of it is staged these days (The Hills, The Bachelor, fake scales on The Biggest Loser, I could go on...) but Dr. Drew's Rehab shows are very real.  Plus they actually serve a purpose: they show other people struggling with addictions how difficult the process can be, but that it works.

Also that Dr. Drew is a tall drink of water.  If I had problems I would be taking them directly there, do not pass go do not collect $200.  Admit me Dr. Drew!




The ever helpful Dr. Drew Pinksy.
Coming at your issues like a medical Ted Kaczynski.*
He always knows the right thing to say.
All that patient stress is probably why his hair is prematurely grey.

*Too soon?  Yea, I thought so.  But honestly, almost nothing rhymes with Pinsky.  Yea, I'm still a bad person, I know. [Hangs head in shame.]

Spiders and the Tangled Webs They Weave

Have you ever walked through a spider web? Maybe you were just strolling along, minding your own business when all of a sudden you feel that sticky tug somewhere on your body? It's pretty gross, I know, but just stick with me. (No pun intended.) Then after you have collided with the web, you can suddenly see all the little strands connecting you to thousands of different places. Usually there are so many that you wonder how you missed the web in the first place?

My mind works like a spider web. There is a web of thousands of strong, undetectable connections between thoughts and I frequently, unwittingly collide into it. The smell of stargazer lilies* reminds me of the carpet in my first apartment and a flower shop in New Orleans with dirty windows and a tile floor at some funeral home and things that are soft like petals and a really good backstretch. There is no logical reason why that smell would trigger the recall of half of those things but those spiders have diligently formed bonds between these ideas. They are shortcuts from somewhere mundane to nowhere special.

But every once in a while that nearly-invisible string will lead to somewhere with meaning. Somewhere very private because it is so tender with feeling that even when you want to share it, there is no way to make someone else feel exactly like you feel. Others can only take a mental picture of how you feel and label it "sad" or "angry" or "forgiveness" or "caution" and then maybe have their own private feeling about it which can later be connected with sticky silk to Tuesdays or your sweater or laugh lines or something stuck in between teeth.

Well here is a very private thought of mine: I am surprised by all the things that remind me of that little puppy that I lost.

I expected the quality of the thoughts (sad, helpless, frustrated) and their magnitude (not mild - I am an emotional person - but tempered by logic and memories of stronger sadnesses) but I am shocked by their quantity. At least twenty things a day remind me of him.

Those little spiders had been hard at work connecting him to lots of different thoughts. But as with a real spider web after you walk through it enough times it breaks, and then those busy little spinnerets get to work building new crossroads in the gaping hole. So I hope no one labels that thought I had as "sad" or "pathetic" or "over-sentimental" because I know it is somewhat temporary just like most sadness.

The spiders that live in my mind
Are diligent and unkind.
Taking me places that, make my heart ache.
But they do it too often and soon those bonds break.

*Which you may have learned I love if you read about my boyfriend orientation.

Wanda Sykes

You know who cracks me up, Wanda Sykes.  She is funny in the kind of way that makes you want to be her friend, or any kind of professional who delivers bad news.  Because she is so funny and matter-of-fact that I would mind a little less if I heard from her that my test results came back and it's not good.  Or I am being audited back through 2000.  Or that kid whose lunch money I stole is, in fact, the same William Gates.

And she has very nice skin, if you are making a list of her good qualities.

The lovely Wanda Sykes
Her name rhymes with several white supremecist's dislikes.
Sitcoms, talk shows, HBO specials - whatever the venue,
She would be funny reading a Chinese take out menu.

Ray Romano is a Man of a Certain Age

Ok this is not the second installment of my new celebrity crushes, but I do enjoy the acting and humor of Ray Romano (in fact I have a friend from college with the same name.) Anyway, he has a new show on TNT called Men of a Certain Age also starring Scott Bakula, and Andre Braugher.

Speaking of, I am also a fan of Scott Bakula.  Quantum Leap was one of the first science fictiony shows I watched and I have been a fan ever since.  It didn't hurt that he made it on a Star Trek series either.  Then on New Adventures of Old Christine and Chuck.  Even though he was cast as Chuck's dad which he is clearly too young to play, I was still excited to see him there.  Mr. Bakula, if you are reading this (which you very certainly are not unless my mom sent you this blog link) we all know how Hollywood casting works - you keep on keepin on.

So back to the show, though I have quite a different perspective from these characters (they are middle aged dudes, two with families) the first episode is so well written that I was able to sort of step into their lives.  Usually I have a policy:  you give a new show three to five episodes to see how good it will be.  After one episode, I put Men of a Certain Age on a DVR season pass. You should most definitely check it out, even if you are a late twenties*, hot*, successful* vixen* like I am.

Universally adored Ray Romano.
Joking about his familia Italiano.
Adding another to his list of shows.
Delivering his lines from behind that big nose.

* -ish. Give or take.  Approximately.

[Ed. note: My apologies to Ray Romano the actor, but these Clerihew poems are supposed to make fun of people so I'm just trying to be a good writer. I hope you nose what I mean.]

Bye Bye Buck

 

Buck and the Monster together

Well, sad entry here.  Poor little Buck died today.  I am so sorry for him and it sounds crazy but I really miss him even though he had only been here for a few weeks.  Even the Monster looks for him outside when I come in, and checked out his crate a few times to see if he was in there.  He was a little mini-me to her and a little buddy to me.

I feel like I let him down because he was just a little puppy and he needed someone to take care of him.  It feels like somehow I failed.

He had a lot of potential, he was smart and sweet and curious and playful.  We're not sure what caused his body to give out but I'm going to take this moment to get up on the soapbox again and say to make sure you vaccinate your pets!  It doesn't just effect your pet when they are not vaccinated, they can be carrier for diseases and possible create epidemics for other pets so vaccinate or else!  It is the responsible thing to do.

Poor little puppy Buck
Had terrible medical luck.
When his sickness really got rough
It turned out that loving him wasn't enough.

I will miss you Buck!!

Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods Ya'll

Still working on that paper, but just wanted to say seriously what is up with Tiger?  If my wife* was the kind of lady to take a golf club to my car for stepping out, I would at least limit my mistresses to one or two.  (Actually, I am not a cheater.  Couldn't do it if I tried, but I think you get the idea.)

That incredible golfer Tiger Woods
Couldn't keep his hands off the young and perky goods.
Though he was officially Elin's hub
He's not too particular about where he 'swings his club.'

* Since I'm a chick, I can only have a wife in a few states thanks to the right wingers who need to legislate their religious beliefs but again, I think you get the idea.

Living in the Procrasti-Nation

There is a beast that haunts me and that beast is called procrastination.  For that reason (final paper due tomorrow) I cannot focus on creating a great poem today so just deal with it.  This poem isn't really following the rules of the Clerihew, either, but if you feel that annoyed about it you can get your money back.

Nasty procrastination
Ruining my vacation.
It's hard to enjoy a breakfast spread,
With a paper due date hanging over your head.

Rose Hill

Even though exams are looming, I have escaped to take a vacation with my family which has recently grown in size to include one bro-in-law and one almost bro-in-law.  We are taking the day today to walk around lovely downtown Fredericksburg, Texas today, then heading back for a fancy dinner at our B&B which can be described as the place where adorable goes to retire.

I am sharing a little cottage with my sister and bro-in-law (romance killer, that's my street name) because there is nothing nicer than eating a huge dinner, then strolling across the driveway to your cottage next to an exotic animal pen and crawling in bed.  Now THAT is relaxation.

Glorious Rose Hill.
A perfect place to chill.
Escape from all of life's dramas
By sleeping in a villa next to llamas.

Buck

So on the subject of that little dog that I was fostering...I have made it a rent to own sort of situation and he is now here permanently.  It turns out that the little terror of a puppy just needed some structure and thanks to the monster and I, he now has that. He is showing some great promise, he has already learned how to sit and to wait by the backdoor to go outside and not to sleep on Zoe's bed.  Oh, and also he is ridiculously adorable.

So I am writing about him today, even though it is not exactly in the spirit of a clerihew since he is a dog.  Poetic License in the house!

I've named my little dog Buck.
If you can't see why, then get your eyelids unstuck.
Since his origins are entirely unclear,
It is possible his grandpa was a deer. 
 

The Root Canal of the Problem

I had to get my teeth cleaned today which is always so great.  Particularly for me since every time I set foot in a dentist's office I discover that I need another root canal.  I am thinking about just investing in metal teeth instead of paying for all of these pesky drilling sessions and pricey crowns.  I could tell everyone that I'm the lovechild of Jaws, one of James Bond's nemeses.  I may even get in exclusive restaurants with my name dropping and I certainly wouldn't be bothered by losing my kitchen scissors all the time.

One very nice thing about having the worlds worst teeth is that I have a lot of opinions on the staff in dental offices.  I think I have well versed opinions on the value of dental office amenities.  And dental some people are just really great, including my dental hygienist today.  She was kind and quite lovely, though to be the object of my clerihew poem today, I'm afraid I must poke some fun at her.  Don't worry though, she talks way too much to have time to read blogs.

My dental hygienist Jill
Cleans teeth with unusual skill.
Though as she talks and talks you might feel ignored
You certainly won't find yourself bored.

Seth MacFarlane

I have a new celebrity crush.  I have two in fact, but I am starting with Seth MacFarlane who is behind several popular animated series including Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, and American Dad.  I watch the first two and they are like the pretty good, like The Simpsons with a social update.

Really, I love a guy with a good sense of humor but that is just the beginning here.  I am apparently a sucker for an all-American looking guy with spiked up hair.  I am a fan of the way he looks and the general air about him.  He is confident but he still has an emotional need for you to pay attention to him, laughing or gasping, either way.  Just my type...

Comedy Writer Seth MacFarlane
His characters never fail to entertain.
Though he has no social grace
He makes up for crassness with such a handsome face.

Cleri-cember! Ok I Will Stop Trying to Combine Months and Poetry Types.

I have decided that December will be the month of the Clerihew poem!

Haven't heard of it?  Well it's not exactly Homer but some guy named Edmund Clerihew Bentley, pictured to the right, created this type of poem (presumably to make fun of people) when he was around 16.  A clerihew has these rules that I will be adapting for the month of December's plogging:*

1. The poem is biographical with four lines.
2. The first line will give someone's name.
3. The second line will rhyme with the first line.
4. The third and fourth lines rhyme, but can be any length.

An interesting tidbit about Sir Edmund Bentley, he was educated at Merton College in Oxford which is the birth town of this blog.  Since it is not a natural citizen, I guess this means my blog could never run for president.  It's a shame, just after Obama opened the doors to one-parent candidates...

Let the clerihew begin!!

Sir Edmund Clerihew Bentley
Liked to poke fun at his friends, but gently.
So he did it with a light kind of poem
That was literary but wouldn't quite Henry Thoreau 'em.

*Poetry + blogging = plogging.  Just in case you don't follow this blog religiously, as you should.  Busted!