Joyce-T (Just?) When You Thought Baseball Was Boring

I forgot when I had a massage booked the other day.  I was cleaning the house and just didn't go.  I was so bummed since I had been gearing up for that massage for a week.  The worst part was that I had a gift certificate but reserved the spot on my credit card so I had to pay for a phantom massage I wasn't even planning on paying for in the first place.  That I didn't even get.  How very annoyed I was about my mistake.

A big thank you to Jim Joyce who reminded me how big a screw up can really be.  The poor umpire made what was apparently a terrible call (I didn't see it) which prevented Armando Gallaraga from going down in the record books as one of only a couple dozen perfect game. 

The notable thing about this whole debacle was that the umpire, Jim Joyce, immediately and totally admitted his error and apologized.  I love that!  No one apologizes anymore.  Thanks to lawyers, PR officers, mothers-in-law, and various other bossy times, no one is free to apologize openly anymore.  I love that this dude just came out and said he botched the call and the consequence of that was Gallaraga missing out on his perfect game.  He didn't make any excuses, just said he it was the most important call of his career and he got it wrong.

I find that so refreshing!


Like a bell that can't be unsounded.
One moment can seem like a huge whale swallowing you again every time you turn on SportsCenter.
Really puts into perspective those small mistakes which are much more like guppies in the ocean.

Ty-me To Learn!

Is there anything more annoying than house training an obstinate puppy? My puppy Tayau has grown into a some kind of freak urine factory.  If only we could use this technology to produce energy, a majority of the world's problems would be remedied.

The thing is, Ty is no longer the cute little puppy who piddles. Now he pees. He pees on my roommate's rug, or the living room rug, on the kitchen floor, and yesterday in a misguided attempt in the guest bathroom.  If this continues it will soon have to be classified as piss which is a word I generally don't use.  But I feel it conveys the correct amount of animosity.

I am just happy when he stands still. The "walking pee" is both difficult to spot and tedious to clean up.  My back has a semi-permanent curve in it from cowering over the floor with a rag and a bottle of Nature's Miracle (whose primary miracle is the severe increase in sales since March.)

The good news is that he has learned how to give you his paw, or shake.  So at least he can ruin my hardwood floors like a gentleman now. 

Before Ty, my friends would call me the dog whisperer. Now I have morphed into the dog screamer.

Little puppy. 
Leaking like a gulf coast oil rig. 
As sneaky as neighborhood kids who run up to your doorstep and light a bag of feces on fire, but less funny. 
Cute as a button, like a really adorable button that you might find on a baby's sweater. 
But sometimes debatably not worth the trouble, like pantyhose.

Uncle Fred

Several days ago was my Uncle Fred's birthday.  Just a note about my Uncle Fred, he is just plain lovely.  If everyone ever agreed on the correct way to spell certain laughs (Ah ha ha! or Ahaha!, the debate continues) then those words could finally be included in the dictionary, and several of them would say See Fred Time.

I had lunch with him last week and, as usual, he was a pleasure to be around.  One of my favorite things about him is when someone helps him out, a clerk at the courthouse or a waiter at a restaurant he is generous enough to tell them "Good job.  Go ahead, take the rest of the day off."  Any old shmuck can give his employees the day off but Uncle Fred gives other people's employees the day off.  Now that is a good man.

Here is a very happy birthday poem for Uncle Fred:

Fred
Treats his bike like the Proud Mary, whose big wheels seldom stopped.
Always there to say a nice word, like a fortune cookie.
Eternally as happy as a trucker who just won three grand in the lottery.
And as kind as the neighbor's dog who decides to poop in the yard next door.
Supporting you for every hour of the day you are awake like a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra.
Always seeing the good side of things, like Oprah's front windshield.
And as deeply loved as government holidays.

DO NOT PANIC! It Will Only Attract the Worm.

Look, I don't mean to alarm you but I'm pretty sure we are all about to be eaten by a huge space worm.

You may not have heard about this because the international space worm lobby (ISWL) has been spending lots of cash keeping it under wraps but the entire planet of Jupiter is currently missing a gas ring. The hard working ISWL must have also had the name "gas rings" changed to "cloud stripes" presumably to avoid flatulence jokes and make it seem more innocuously Martha Stewart-y.  Anyway, gas rings or cloud stripes do not get up and move themselves.  Live space animals do.

I admit that the extent of my astrological knowledge is derived from third grade when we had to make a model of the planets using Styrofoam, wire, and markers but I can tell you Jupiter is pretty freakin big.  There are all kinds of statistics on the size of Jupiter (and its rings) in comparison to Earth but let me graphically boil it down for you:

In this widely-used diagram, the dog is Earth and the lady is Jupiter.

In third grade astrology we also did not cover why a planet's gas rings would just disappear.  Originally I thought this was omitted from the curriculum for the usual reasons (Have you heard?  In Texas social studies, history, and science are "discovered" via School Board vote) but I was wrong.  I just read that no scientist today has any idea why the ring would disappear. There are NO WORKING THEORIES ON THIS!  If there is one thing scientists like to do it is create unprovable theories and discuss them over nerd coffee.  But no one dares wax philosophical about the obvious reason for these rings disappearance (space worm has moved.)

"Oh, come on now, everyone calm down and take off those ridiculous tin foil hats!"  I picture scientists saying.*  "This has happened before and it is no big deal."  No biggie?  Tell that to Pluto!  Yea, don't think I forgot about that little gem of a story, space scientists!  All of a sudden Pluto is not big enough to be a planet?  Yea, 'cause a huge space worm took a bite out of it!

I don't know about you but there are only several people I trust to tell me about what is going on in the world of nature and astronomy and if you take a cue from them, it isn't looking so good.

1. Al Gore, expert on why weird things are happening with the world: Separating from wife who supported him through presidential victory in name only followed by weight gain and creeper beard.  Why would he leave her?  Classic end of world behavior!
2. Carl Sagan, expert on the billions and billions of stars in the cosmos:  Viewed his last planet in 1996 when he went to that big cosmos in the sky (is that confusing?) probably to check out of Earth before being consumed by space worm.
3. Captain Kirk, knows the cosmos like the back of many alien women's kissed hands: Starring in TV show based on facebook page which is based on a Twitter account about some guy's dad.  Classic "will not have to answer for this later" behavior!

I don't really know what to tell you to do except call your insurance company and add space worm coverage to your policy.  Then go ahead and pop open that bottle of Dom you were saving for your husband's promotion.  The only upward movement he will be a part of has to do with the intestines of a worm.**

Space worms.
Forced to leave home to find food or starve like a law student during exams.
With stomach growls like earthquakes shaking the foundation of our world.

Taking another look at our world which is less green and more toasty than before, like fried okra.
Licking its lips and preparing to strike before reassuming its position around Jupiter as hula hoop would circle an obese schoolkid.

* Seriously, you look ridiculous, take it off.
** So gross, I know.

Happy June Everyone!!

June's literary device is the simile! Simile is defined as a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, as in “she is like a rose.”  I am going to enjoy this month because many similes use the word "like" which I believe is generally overused today (by many people, myself included) so I am going to use this month to cleanse my writing of all incorrect uses of like by carefully examine blog entries, like a mother carefully checking her child's hair for lice.  See how lovely this can be?

[Ed. Note: The image above was located via google images and taken from a blog that took the image from somewhere else via google images.  Ah the electronic circle of life!  You should check out the blogger's entry on simile which has some outstanding examples of terrible simile as above.]

Simile.
A more clearly indicated metaphor, like a neon sign hanging above a hole in the wall bar.
Making it clear from the onset that, as in a car's side mirror, things may not be as they appear.
Allowing Burns to tell us his love "is like a red, red rose."
While your love, Bon Jovi explains, is like bad medicine.
 

The Check is in the Mail!

[Ed. Note: I am moving forward!  Look below to see all of the posts that I had written but finally finished editing, and I will be posting new stuff going forward!]

My current excuse for being behind: Exams!  Wish me luck.

Are You Smarter Than An Infomercial?

[Ed. note: A shout out to Jas who told me about this video.]

Someone out there in the world spent time splicing together all of the "before" scenes from infomercials.  And God bless this person.  If you ever are having a bad day, please drop whatever you are doing and view this video.  No matter how bad your day is, at least you can do things like wear a blanket, crack an egg into a pan, walk past a garden hose without tripping, and remove your own shoes, just to name a few.



Some individual's incredible ineptitude
Putting into perspective
Your feeble failures.

Gabourey Sidibe

Look, I'm going to be honest with you. If you don't want to be friends with Gabourey Sidibe then your parents definitely dropped you on your head as a baby. More than once.

She hosted Saturday Night Live last night and this was one of my favorite skits of hers.  Even as this old lady, the let's-hang-out-and-be-friends-ness of her shines through. 



I also love how on the Oscars red carpet she said it was like "prom for hollywood."  And check out the first thirty seconds of her Ellen interview with that dance, which she later said her friend choreographed with her in case she was ever a guest on Ellen's show.



But the best story of all is when Billy Bush of [whatever annoying celebrity-obsessed "news" show] was interviewing her on the Oscars red carpet and they were talking about attractive actor Gerard Butler who was approaching.  Gabourey (not realizing he was there) says to Bush about Butler "I'd hit that!"

I almost peed my pants out of sheer hilarity right then, but Billy Bush misses this comment and brings Butler over.  Then you can tell a producer recounts the comment to Bush because he puts his hand to his ear and says "What?  No she didn't." Then Bush asks Gabourey to repeat her comment in front of Butler and so she does.  They end the exchange with her joking that they should get a bottle of champagne and see where the night goes.  Totally classic.

I feel a little like I just retold a story from seventh grade recess but just watch the video, ok?

Glorious Gabourey
Knows the supreme thing to say
True talent, it's been said
But it never goes her head.

Bushing Ourselves To Be Better

I heard President Bush and his wife Laura speak today at SMU in an event that was likely a mini-promotion for the George Bush Presidential Center. The Bushes were recipients of a medal that the SMU Tower Center for political studies gives in conjunction with the Tate Lecture Series in conjunction with the SMU feral cats program* and the Lactose-Intolerant Students Association and he other seventeen organizations mentioned which made the introduction to this ceremony a very long event.

Now, here is just some general background on me.  If ever asked on a survey "how do you feel about George W. Bush and his presidential legacy?" and given the choices Satisfied or Not Satisfied, here is what I would do:

1. I would travel briskly at 4 miles over the speed limit to the nearest Office Depot.
2. Buy a three pack of # 2 pencils just to have back ups in case of breakage.
3. I would very carefully and fully fill in the Not Satisfied bubble.  

That having been said, I am able to separate the office of President of the United States (or POTUS if you are an incurably nerdy law student or brown nose-y political hopeful) from the human being who currently occupies that office. I also believe that some respects owed to of the office should be bestowed upon the human being that occupies the office.  And because of the respect I believe is due, I will refrain from saying any more.

Now that we have my political history down, I hope you will appreciate what I am about to say.  George W. Bush was a pleasant speaker.  Notice that I said pleasant and not mind-blowing or game changing or world-rocking. (Ed. Note: Mom and Dad: Please. Calm. Down!  I'm not exactly investing in an Ann Coulter poster for my bedroom or getting a tattoo of an elephant on my upper left buttock.  Try breathing into a paper bag, I hear that helps.  Sheesh.)

Anyway, as I was saying, I enjoyed the speech.  The honor bestowed by SMU upon the Bushes was the medal of freedom** and so the former President spoke about several things he thinks threaten freedom today.  The one that hit home with me the most was international isolationism, or thinking that problems happening outside of our homes, zip codes, states, or countries are distinctly outside of our concern zone.

I worry often about this exact problem.  I worry that I will become so wrapped up in job searching or the vines taking over my back fence that I will forget that there are another six billion people on this earth with rich cultures and complex problems.  I worry about it when I hear friends talk about illegal immigrants in a way that makes me think they have forgotten these people are people.  I worry about Americans in general thinking that we stand apart from the rest of the world when we really don't.  I think we are incredibly important internationally (unintentional alliteration) but in the same way our brain it cannot function by itself even though is the most important organ in the body, we as Americans can't function completely removed from the perspective of the entire world.

Anyway, I could really go on about this for hours but I'll stop.  I have previously written about the idea of basic human rights but this is my blog so I can repeat things as many times as I want to.  (By the way, have you checked out That is Priceless?)

Isolating ourselves from what is different,
Inoculating ourselves against a possible viral interest in others,
Ignoring outsiders and their issues,
To create a perfect Eden of ignorance.

* This is a real program.  Ridiculous!  Though I don't think they actually sponsored the talk.
** Medal of Freedom = Most generic medal name ever.  If it was a cereal it would be called Frosted Oaties or Yummy Os.  If it were a retail store it would be called Smith's.  If it were a street in Atlanta it would be called Peachtree.

Ke$ha

I think the legacy of my generation (and plus or minus a little depending on how strict you are with your generational qualifications) is going to be the blurring of borders.  We don't just talk on the phone, we text while talking and blackberry messengering while driving.  We don't just eat, we eat and walk around and talk and drive.  (I'm not sure why all of this involves driving, I guess we really have places to go.)

I am so overstimulated that I hate taking a shower because it is so darn boring.  I have to have a new mix on my iPod or turn on NPR to get through it.  I must watch TV or surf the net while I'm eating and while I'm studying I won't even tell you the multiple other things I do.  There is an actual commercial now about kids who eat standing up and the (fake) discrimination they face.  Who wants to eat standing up?   That is just stupid.  How are you supposed to balance the TV remote if you are walking around.

This extreme multi-tasking is great sometimes, but I fear it has gotten out of control.  For me, the real problems start when you forget the original task that you are attempting to conquer.  No one better personifies this than the "singer" Ke$ha.  I love her songs, they are the kind of songs you play while doing other things (getting ready to go out, driving with the windows down, and, for me, showering.)  She was the musical guest on the last Saturday Night Live and she put on a crazy performance with lights and costumes and effects and dancing.  She showed off her creative side (which is apparently not bound by our establishment concept of a 26 letter alphabet.)

But there's just one problem, she can't sing.  Should we be concerned about this?  Check it out for yourself.






Ke$ha (pronounced Keh-sha)
You're a multitasking mesha.
Your neon tribal body-drawings didn't quite distract
From your tinny voice in your talentless act.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad's birthday.  Below is the poem we all wrote for his birthday dinner invitation, reproduced with permission (assumed permission, that is.)  Hope you enjoy!

Also a birthday shout out to "Eduardo" one of my favorite cousins-in-law.

Way back in 1945, the world was still war-torn
And maybe unprepared for little Marc to be born

Marc paid great attention to girls & cars that were cool
But he didn't fret about studying or doing well in school

Even so, at SMU he really went quite far
First undergrad, then law school & easily passed the bar

Marc started his own practice and finally married Ann
They had three lovely children as fast as parents can

He knew so much law that he was a borderline dork
So he moved on to shooting and revamping Elm Fork

Marc's a businessman and trial lawyer extraordinaire
Who now goes to court with slightly thinner hair

He is a husband and father with the utmost devotion
Everything he does is "Marc"ed with great emotion

Join us to eat and drink as Marc turns 65
He wants us to celebrate - he's happy to be alive!

Justin Time To Feel Old

Ok, could I feel any older?

'Cause frankly, I'm not that old.  I never had a Commodore 64 and I am not old enough to have an original opinion about Reganomics.  I know who Tutti and Jo are but I think mostly from reruns.  I did have a crush on Alex P. Keaton but I'm a red blooded American female so what do you expect?

But here's the problem: what the heck is with this Justin Bieber kid?  I really and truly want to dislike him.  First of all, what is with that hair?  This is not an uncommon hairdo for young dudes these days and I cannot imagine why that is.  I call it the che-hairy because their head looks mostly round and juicy like a big piece of fruit.

Aside from the ridiculous hair, he is disturbingly mature for his age.  And I happen to know from years of interaction and watching TV that males don't mature quickly so this must be an act.  I just find it creepy that he is 16 and hitting on thirty-something women.  Seriously, am I old or what?

Che-hairy:

Choosing to chop your locks

So they sway like soft grass in a field

And then set like a circular cherry.

Up Yours (In A Sweet Way)

I generally think not so much about Hollywood and its surrounding vainglorious BS so when it was announced that there were ten nominees for best picture at this past Oscars, let's just say I was less than impressed.  If I had an address, I would have listed the ten best sandwiches I made this year and sent it in.  That is to say: Not impressed.  I think most of those movies were really good, but the nominating ten thing seemed like a combination of one part reflexive back patting and two parts what I call "media alchemy."

By media alchemy^TM I am referring to the ancient art of using chemistry and philosophy that tried to find the elixir of life by taking crappy metals and turning them into gold.  Or in other words, making something of nothing.  I find Hollywood types practice media alchemy often. (Evidence: Kim Kardashian, why on earth is she famous? No reason at all except that she has a show.)

Anyway, I saw about half of the movies nominated including Up, an animated story that had no chance of winning because it was an animated story.  I was watching part of it just the other day and was reminded of how great of a story it was.  And though this will sound strange it was well acted.  Yes, I know, there are not actual actors acting, but the writing, the voice work, and the animation make it a multi-layered story.  In particular, this clip of Carl and Ellie's life together gives you a feeling of a cartoon-simple couple but more emotionally 3D (take that Avatar 3D.)  And all of it is accomplished without a word!

Here is the clip:




Every time I watch it, I see something else I hadn't realized before. like how they are so eager to start a life together that she is sawing in her wedding dress. And it shows two people who compliment each other so well that you can see their real love for each other. That really is an incredible feat in this medium, if you ask me.


A story bespeckeled with balloon strings
While tugging at your heart strings
Two darlings made from drawings
Though you can consciously conceive the feeling of their clasping hands.

And how his love is linked to her
When he devises a new dream after her disappointment
And delivers when he sees their time together diminishing.

How lucky anyone would be
to have the heart
of two cartoon characters.

ASR Productions - Vanity Card #1

I desperately want to be outwardly annoyed with Chuck Lorre's vanity cards.  For those of you who don't watch television obsessively like I do, at the end of all TV shows by Chuck Lorre Productions, Chuck Lorre writes a note that flashes on the screen for less than a second.  If you want to read it you have to force your tivo do fast forward, go back, go slow, go back acrobatics until you get to that exact third of a second.  To see some samples you can go here, or you can just skip them totally after my ringing endorsement.

The whole thing is ridiculous.  So ridiculous, it could be called ridic.*  I find his ravings to be self-important and sometimes boring and occasionally stupid in a brow-furrowing, should-I-waste-the-time-to-read-that-again-so-I'll-understand kind of way. 

But it occurs to me that this is a perfect description of this blog.  So I guess that means I have to keep my mouth shut.

If it is called a vanity card
I had in mind it wouldn't be hard
To understand that it's vacuous and vain
And abstain from doing it again.

* I really like the "word" ridic because it is, in itself, a bit ridiculous.  But sometimes something is so inane that you really have to hit others over the head with the ridiculousness of it.  And so was born ridic.

Chelsea Handler

I remember when there was such a stir about "young people today" getting their news from untrustworthy sources like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and then later The Colbert Report.  I watched one and then both of those shows and often did hear about news for the first time on those shows, but they always made me do more research on things that interested me.  Things I would have otherwise not known anything about.

I no longer watch those shows (too much to watch, too little time) and it occurred to me that I have stooped to an even lower low.  I now get my news from Chelsea Handler and the comic round table on Chelsea Lately.  Compared to Stewart, it is a little light on front page news and a little heavy on page six, but sometimes it is still the first place I hear about the latest scuttlebutt.  Really quite sad.

Chelsea Lately.
Educating me greatly.
On every breaking broadcast
Of incredible inconsequence.